A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass everywhere and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "NO Foolin....Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "That's strange," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, then pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor then asks, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde.." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken.
Essential New Words for 2003 editions for the workplace vocabulary BLAMESTORMING-- Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER-- A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, picks on everything and then leaves. SALMON DAY-- The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream getting screwed only to die in the end. CUBE FARM-- An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING-- When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. MOUSE POTATO-- The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMs-- Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. STRESS PUPPY-- A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE-- The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE-- The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 404-- Someone who's clueless. (From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located [lost]) OHNOSECOND-- That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
MARRIAGE (PART I) A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not." MARRIAGE (PART II) A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'" "Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a head-stone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'" MARRIAGE (PART III) A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "What are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion!" MARRIAGE (PART IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" MARRIAGE (PART V) A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya'martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home." MARRIAGE (PART VI) A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor,"Please tell my husband." The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal." The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays: ====================================== Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef. She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up. Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever. He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30. The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river. Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. She was as easy as the TV guide crossword. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
The MICROSOFT new windows mafia east coast eddition is out: It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the Windows XP New Joisey Edition may have been shipped outsida Joisey. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help unnerstanin da commands. Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads:"Windas XP", wit a background pitcha a Hoboken. When yous start da program, instead a da usual hary stringy like music, you hear a little Springsteen. It's also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava. Please also note: Recycle bin is labeled "Newark" My Computer is called "My ! Friggin' Computa" The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk" Deleted items are referred to as "Wacked", "Erased" or "Rubbed Out" Control Panel is known as "The Bosses" Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "Enhancin' da Family Business" and will actually maximize da program instead a shuttin' it down Hard Drive is referred to as "Da Turnpike on Da Way to Da Shore" Instead of an error message, "You Ain't Gonna Friggin' Believe Dis'" pops up. Changes in Terminology in Da Joisey Edition: OK . . . . Sure ting Cancel . . . . Fugetabouit Reset . . . . Start ova Yes . . . . Yeah No . . . . Nah Find . . . . Put a Contract Out On Browse . . . . Get a Looksee Back . . . . U-Toin ! Help . . . . Get Your Own Friggin' Ansa Stop . . . . K nock it Off Start . . . . Move it Settings . . . . Here's da Rules We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly got a copy of the Joisey Edition (not). You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. You gotta problem wit dat?
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, " Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Lisa! What seems to be the rush? The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it." >>
A Scotsman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the Scotsman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, he has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Scotchman for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls very carefully into the bank's well protected underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Scotsman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you leave your valuable car here, as a collateral for a paltry $5,000 loan?" The Scotsman just smiles and replies: "Where else in New York City can I park this kind of car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there, intact, when I return?".