There was an eldery lady who got caught shoplifting. She appeared before the judge with her husband. The judge said " I understand you stole a can of peaches?" She replied "Yes your honor" "And how many peaches were in the can?" She said, "There were 7 slices of peaches" The judge then said " Since there were 7 slices of peaches I sentence you to 7 days in jail" The womans husband spoke up " Your honor, did you know she stole a can of peas too?"
A man left work Friday with his paycheck and did not return home till Sunday night. When he walked in the house his wife said: "I haven't seen you for three days, how would you like it if you didn't see me for three days"? He (shouldn't of said it but he did) replied "That would be just fine with me". On Monday he did not see his wife. Again on Tuesday he didn't see his wife. But by Wednesday, the swelling in his left eye had gone down from being hit with a frying pan and he could see her a little bit.
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", and then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his dick and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!" The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: * You have two cows. * You sell one and buy a bull. * Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. * You sell them and retire on the income. AMERICAN CAPITALISM (or Enro-capitalism): * You have two cows. * You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy influence with a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: * You have two cows. * You sell one, accept a LAW tax promised credit payable in 4 year's time, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. * You are surprised when the cow drops dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION: * You have two cows. * You go on strike because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION: * You have two cows. * You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk * You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION: * You have two cows. * You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. A BRITISH CORPORATION: * You have two cows. * Both are mad. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: * You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. * You break for lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: * You have two cows. * You count them and learn you have five cows. * You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. * You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. * You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION: * You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. * You charge others for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION: * You have two cows. * You have 300 people milking them. * You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: * You have two cows. * That one on the left is kinda cute...
TWO COWS As a genetic engineer I confidently predict a different flavour milk from each tit. I am trying to get the wife interested but she seems annoyed
"As a genetic engineer I confidently predict a different flavour milk from each tit." How about maybe some ketchup and mustard from each tit, some relish too. Gotta think outside the box. Maybe get a pig to lay an egg. How about some lesbian chickens. You know like the old joke, what did one lesbian frog say to the other? Tastes like chicken.
In the event you are squeemish, or perhaps politically correct, please feel free to substitute "homeless Americans" for "tramps". Thank you. Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world". "Why is that?" said the other tramp. "Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a twenty dollar bill. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days." The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days." "Man", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?" "Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."
Two Oranges walk into a pub, one says to the other "Your round". The other orange replies..."so are you, you fat cunt"