Jokes

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

:eek:

 

The Mona Lisa, lol


10) When you buy OSTK, investor relations high-five each other.

9) After you get a free toaster from Ameritrade, Pat Bryne shows up at your house begging for toast.

8) The 10k is handwritten in crayon.

7) When you want to sell, your broker suddenly don't speak English.

6) You notice the SEC is sleeping in the vault.

5) Your certs are in a safety deposit box which is a Dunkin" Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil.

4) All margined shares are in Darth Vaders pants.

3) Wall Street is waist-deep in tradion.

2) Toll-free customer service line is 1-800-GET-HOSED

1) Four letter word; UTAH

 

True Story

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.

But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA though it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "good luck, Mr. Gorsky..." statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to armstrong. This time he finally responded because Mr.Gorsky had died.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small MidWest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong overheard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

 

Palakari!

 

Hi hoodooman! Here are your options:
1. Palikari = Brave Young Man
2. Palamari = Rope to tie a boat with
3. Calamari = Same as in English & Italian

As in: "Hey, Palikari: Untie the palamari and go get me some calamari!...

 

Multiple Affairs. . . . .

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

With his secretary.

One day they went to her place

And made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

And woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

And told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied,

"I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said:

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

But always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

For the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

And delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

To see his new son.

He was horrified

At the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

"Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

About to be cremated,

And made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

He had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician

Commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated

With such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it,

Stuffed it into his briefcase,

And took it home

"I have something to show

You won't believe," he said to his wife,

Opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed,

"Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover

When she heard her husband

Opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

Then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you,"

She said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired

As he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied,

"the Smiths bought one and I liked it

So I got one for us, too."

No more was said,

Not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

Went to the kitchen and returned

With a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

And nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

Went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

"How much for a nice juicy steak

And a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied:

"Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs

With your wife?"

The bartender replied:

"The same thing

I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No," he insisted,

"I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

Her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied,

" now just rest

And let the poison work

 

It's that time again..

The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out. This year's winner was real rocket scientist... HONEST! Read on...And remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY.
And the nominees were:

No. 1 A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

No. 2 Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

No. 3 A 22-year-old Reston, Virginia, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

No. 4 A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was admitted to hospital.

No. 5 Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the ex plosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

Now ladies and gentleman, the winner of this year's Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously):

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist... had somehow got hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields.

He had driven his Chevy Impala into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.

The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?

 

The Jato one has been around for a while, but I 've always wondered if you were behind him, could see him tapping his brakes?

 

Back in the 60s there was this young trader who used pencil and paper and did” buy and hold” trading, say 1 or 2 trades a year and took his profits. The problem was what to do the rest of the time. Lunches got longer and longer, so in the 70s he decided to trade maybe once or twice a month “swing trading”. This did nothing for his figure and calculators had been invented so he tried “End of day trading”, which is about 1 or 2 trades a week.
Come the 80s and computers are getting everywhere so he does “intra-day” trading 1 or 2 trades a day. The programmmes get faster and faster in the 90s, so he starts “scalping”. That’s 1 or 2 trades an hour.
Now is the 21 st century, he was trading so fast by now, he had hardly got the trade on when he exits.
The moral of the story is that not only can you know more and more, about less and less until you know practically everything about nothing, but faster and faster until ……CAAAAPOOOMPH !!………

 

A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"


St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter.
"The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"


St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."


"Where's Hilary's clock?" asked the man.

"Hilary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."