Not Henny, but: Old guy goes to the Doc, says, "Doc, I can't Pee." Doc Says, "How old are you Irv?" "92". "Haven't you peed enough?" Henny: Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
..You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog You're spot on. This is sooooooooooooo wrong. LOL
A woman had been stopping in a Mercedes-Benz dealership to browse and then waste any salesman's time that waited on her, every day for the past two years; a complete pain in the ass professional car shopper. Always looking and complaining, but never buyng. On this day, she spotted a beautiful S500 in the showroom and walked over to inspect it closer. Just as this witch bent forward and touched the flawlessly gorgeous finish, an unexpected burst of flatulence escaped her. Although not embarrassed in the least, she still looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Sure enough, standing behind her was a salesman, one of her former victims many times over. With a pleasant smile and just the slightest wisp of a sneer, he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How can I earn your business today?" Maintaining her normal abrasive air of imperious sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she haughtily asked, "I would like to inquire as to what price I can buy this rather ugly car you have here." Not missing a beat and still smiling pleasantly, the salesman replied, "Well, Ma'am if you farted just touching it, you are gonna absolutely shit yourself when you hear the price."
Tennessee drinking rules A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice." An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either." The Tennessee boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice." :eek: :eek: :eek:
From The Secret Archives Of Harvard U The Linguistics Professor at his inaugural lecture: "...In some languages, like Russian, if you combine two negatives, you can produce a stronger negative. In most languages, however, two negatives produce a positive. Notice that there is no language in the world where two positives can produce a negative." The tall guy in the back: "Yeah, right!!!"
The Mexican Delicacy A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. We need to wait for the end of the fight before we can have them for our customers. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday. Why?" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor, I know. It's so sad. Sometimes the bull wins!"
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----itâs me, I quit drinking."
Many a time I left Vegas wishing I only lost half my ass...............I wonder if she sits at an angle? Plastic surgeon sucks out belly dancer's buttock£12,000 damages for half-arsed liposuction By Lester Haines → More by this author Published Friday 16th March 2007 16:05 GMT Receive the days biggest stories by email A German belly dancer who checked into hospital to have her thighs trimmed ended up with just one butt cheek after the plastic surgeon hoovered out her right buttock, Ananova reports. Julia "Cleopatra" Meyer, 38, of Munich, said of her liposuction ordeal at the Berlin Charité hospital: "I had been unhappy with my saddlebags, the fat stored in the outer thigh area. Because of the local anaesthesia I did not realise what he was doing. When I saw afterwards that half of my bum was missing I almost fainted. It had been completely sucked away." Unsurprisingly, the matter ended in court, where Meyer was awarded £12,000 damages against the unnamed private plastic surgeon. The court heard her career is dead and the poor woman "does not even dare to go to a swimming pool because she is ashamed of the way she looks". A consultant at the Berlin Charité hospital chipped in his expert opinion, describing the arse reduction as a "grave error in treatment". ®
> > It was fun being a baby boomer - until now . . . > > Some of the artists of the 60's are > > revising their music hits > > with new > > lyrics to accommodate baby boomers this time > > in their golden years. > > > > > They include: > > > > > > > > > > > > Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a > > Lovely Walker > > > > > > > > The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken > > Hip. > > > > > > > > Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' > > a Flash > > > > > > > > Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help > > From Depends. > > > > > > > > Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot > > Your Fa ce. > > > > > > > > Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now. > > > > > > > > Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver > > > > > > > > The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times > > to the Bathroom. > > > > > > > > Marvin Gaye - Heard It Through the Grape > > Nuts. > > > > > > > > Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping. > > > > > > > > The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney > > Stone. > > > > > > > > Abba - Denture Queen. > > > > > > > > Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The > > Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall. > > > > > > > > Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore. > > > > > > > > Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again!!!