Jokes

Close... I actually heard Henny tell this joke, I think on Carson in the early 70's;

"My wife, she cooks food fit for a king."

(snapping his fingers down low) "Here, King! Here, King! C'mon boy!"

 

From Henny Youngman:
A guy comes up to me and says, "Hey, buddy, can you help me out? I haven't eaten in three days."
I told him, "Force yourself."

 

12 Valid Reasons Not To Come In To Work

1. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

4. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

5. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

 

And he took that from Vaudeville in the depressions':

Hey buddy, can you help me? I haven't eaten in three days."
"Don't worry. It still tastes the same."

Did you hear about the window washer. He was late getting to the third floor. He got a little behind on the second.

Or the buddy who told his pal he was getting a little on the side. His friend responded, "didn't know they moved it."

Ba da bum

 

ONe that always killed me was the show "F Troop". These borsht belt bandits stole the bit about the "Heckawies" from an old borscht belt routine. Anyway, Chief Hyakawa describes how his tribe was named the Heckawies. This is the original:

Many moon ago, our tribe starve. Our Chief Wannmakum lead tribe on long march thru desert blah blah blah (good to thump a table in here to primitive tribal beat).

Chief come to big cliff, nowhere to go. He turn to tribe and say, "where the Fuckawie?" And tribe named.

I can just imaging these writers sitting around a table laughing they were getting paid for this.

Another one they stole:

There was one where the troopers enlistments ran out due to a clerical mistake (the Army doesn't let that happen nowdays )

Come on , more Henny. He would like it that way.

anyway, the simpleton, Capt Parmelee, is yelling out to the men leaving the post, "Be careful men. Not too much "wine, woman and song." Bob Steele, the old Western actor looks back and says, "Don't worry Cap't. I hate music."

 

This is not exactly a joke...but it is weird.

And you thought you were having a bad day....

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries.

Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998.

 

I saw that when it happened.

I just don't want to die stupid. Like the time i saw a guy trimming his hedges with an electric trimmer, standing in a puddle. You just have to look away.

How about the Darwinian thing, it didn't make the cut because the guy didn't die - he probably wanted to.

They were Latin guys drinking and playing golf. One thing leads to another, and one of the guys disrobes waste down and climbs on the ball washer and tea bags the gears. His buddy, obviously a real joker cranks the handle (I have friends like this). The guy loses his balance and falls.

Now I don;t know how long it's been since you've handled your package, but there aren't, like, tendons or muscles holding your nut sack to your pubic area. He left them in the washer.

A real friend is " You get Juan in the car. I'll get his nuts out of this thing." I don't think anybody likes me that much.

 

Jesus and some friends

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.
The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat
down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are
healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The
Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of
back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.

The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability!"

 

From Henny Youngman:
I went to the doctor the other day. I said, "Doc, it hurts when I do this." (dangles arm)

The doctor told me, "Don't do that."

 

Blue Necks are Northerners -- the opposite of Rednecks. Because of Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners (or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK
IF...

...Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
...You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
...You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.
...You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road. (e.g., boiled peanuts, not road kill, Dummy!)
...You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
...For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.
...You don't know what a moon pie is. You have probably never watched a moon pie in a microwave.
Awesome!
...You've never had an RC Cola.
...You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.
...You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
...You have no idea what a polecat is.
..You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.
...You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
...You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes."
...You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show.
.. You have never been hep'd.
...You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach
...You have never gone to a family reunion to pick up women.
...You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
...You couldn't find the eye of the stove if your life depended on it.
...You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
..You have more than one professional sports team in your home state.
..You call binoculars opera glasses.
...You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
...You can't spit without opening your mouth.
...You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)
...You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Freddie, Johnnie, Jimmie, Ricki)
...You don't have Maw-maw's, Me-maws, Pawpaw's or Pappaw's.
...You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
...None of your fur coats are homemade.