An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "that's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes." "I'm sorry, sir, "said the ticket agent. We can't allow animals in the theater." So, the old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two widows named Joanne and Shirlee. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Shirlee", whispered Joanne." "What?", said Shirlee. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?", asks Shirlee. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Joanne. "Well, don't worry about it," said Shirlee. "At our age we've seen 'em all." "I thought so too," said Joanne, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"
an old lady went to the doctor because she had a gas problem. she told the doctor '' i dont know whats wrong with me, i fart hundreds of times a day. the only good thing is that they dont stink and they're silent.'' she said, '' i farted like 20 times since i have been sitting here'' the doctor says, '' yea, just take these pills and come see me in a week'' a week later the old lady walks back into the office an says, ''DOC, WHAT HAVE U DONE, MY FARTS ARE SMELLING VERY HORRIBLE NOW.'' the doctor said '' good ! , now that your sinuses are cleared up, ... lets see if we can fix your hearing ''
One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass?" The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat." So the lawyer said, "Poor guy, come back to me house." The guy then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along too. When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you." The lawyer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane. Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane. Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane. Then George W. Bush says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws Bill Clinton off the plane. A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuanna is a Gateway drug.
> >An airplane was going down and everybody knew they would crash in the ocean >below. > >The rich lady takes off all of her clothes > >and puts on every diamond she has on her body! > >The passengers all look at her and say what are you doing? > >She says "When we are in the ocean my diamonds will sparkle > >and I will be the first one they find!" > > >Then another woman takes off all her clothes > >and covers herself with $100 dollar bills! > >The passengers all look at her, and she says, > >"When we are in the ocean the $100 dollar bills > >will be floating all around me and they will find me first!!!!! > > >Then a black lady tears off all her clothes > >and just gets butt-naked!!!! All the passengers look at her and ask, > >"What are you doing?" The Black lady says... > >"GIRL!, you know they always look for the black box first!!!!!!!!!!!!!
English phrase Chinese Interpretation Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man Dum Gai Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Your price is too high!! No Bai Dam Ting!! I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni That was an unauthorized execution. Lin Ching I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone. No Pah King I got this for free Ai No Pei I am not guilty Wai Hang Mi? They have arrived Hia Dei Kum Stay out of sight Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka Pew! does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?
He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you? ********************* He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! ********************** He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror! ************************ On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not" ************************ Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them. *************************** Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer. ****************************** Q. What is the ! difference between men and government bonds? A. The bonds mature. ******************************** Q. Why are blonde jokes so short? A. So men can remember them. ******************************** Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don't know; it has never happened. ******************************** Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A. They already have boyfriends. ********************************* Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow ********************************** Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. ************************************** Q.. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They're married. *****************************
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
> A girl said to her date, "You`re in for a real trip. I've been told I have a body like New Jersey". He grabbed her waist and asked, "What`s this?". She replied, "This is Middlesex." Then he grabbed her butt and asked "What`s this?" She replied "Freehold." Then he grabbed her breast and asked "What`s this?" She replied "Point Pleasant." Then he looked in between her thighs and said, "I guess that`s Cherry Hill?" She replied, "No, that`s Eatontown."
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview Couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the parking lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.