A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated." The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table." The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?" The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags." :eek:
Another Good Oldie A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool." So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire takes the microphone again and announces, "Sir, I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy catches his breath for a moment and then grabs the microphone from the hands of the host and screams, "Why don't we start with the name of the bastard who pushed me in?!!!"
One evening, a very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant patiently awaiting her date. While waiting, she decided to make sure that she looked perfect for him. So the young lady bends down in her chair in order to get a mirror from her purse. Then just as the waiter walks up, she accidentally farts quite loudly. The lady immediately sat up straight, embarrassed and red faced, sure that everyone in the place had heard her. Quickly she turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady. Which way was it headed?"
Things that sound dirty in golf that aren't......... 10. Nuts...my shaft is bent. 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. 7. Look at the size of his putter. 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more. 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it. 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't: 1.Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.
Things that sound dirty in golf that aren't......... 10. Nuts...my shaft is bent. 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. 7. Look at the size of his putter. 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more. 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it. 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't: 1.Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.
Every Saturday at the local muni, Grandpa, Son, and Grandson have their little threesome, and they generally get to play alone. But one particularly busy Saturday, they were made to take along a fourth - a Woman!!!! As good lookin' as she was, our heroes were not pleased,a nd they showed it. The lady felt it and told them as much. "look fellas, I ' m a top ranked am, and I'm not happy playing with you guys either. But I need to get a round in before my tournament tomorrow. Don't talk to me, don't give me tips. We'll get along just fine. She goes birdie, birdie, eagle, and on 18, has a ten footer for a 64. She tells the boys, " you guys play here everyweek. You've been good partners, and I've never shot 64 before. Tell you what, whoever reads this put correctly for me, I'll..... hmmm, I'll blow him. How's that?" Junior about tramples his dad. "Lady, I had this put last week, it's downgra...........". Dad puts his hand over Jr.s mouth and says "then it breaks to the right as it dies at the hole." Grandpa starts unzipping his fly,........" That's good by me. Pick it up."
Amazingly simple home remedies 1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a three minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.
only eleven to go................ Two flies land on a turd. One farts........ The other says, "Hey hey hey!!!!!! I'm eatin' here!!!!! Here King. Here King. "Hey, this food is fit for a King. Here King. Here King." I knew Henny Youngman's nephew, I said, 'wow, that's so cool." His nephew says, "nah, it's a pain in the ass" (gay guy, really). " I take him out to eat, and he always goes, "Hey, this food is fit for King. Here King, Here King." what a jerkoff. Being Henny Youngman's nephew would be cool. At least when he was alive. Anybody remember any faves from the King of oneliners?