Haven't posted a joke in a while and came across this one. No religious offense intended just thought it funny. Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic." Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors. As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."
Here , I'll offend: At the Monestary, Brother Bob cornered Sister Rose in the corner of the garden. They were whispering back and forth when Brother Bob lifted Sister's Habit, but everytime he went for his habit, her's fell to the ground. The two novices went on like this for several minutes, when looking over their shoulder, they saw the Monsignor looking very cross, and biting down on his hand. Extremely upset, the Brother hustled Sister Rose back to the Convent, and immediately found his way back to the Rectory, where he threw himself at the Monsignor's feet. "Please, Father, forgive her. It' was my sin of the flesh; I should not have.........." Monsignor says , "Whoa, what the hell are you talking about?" Brother Bob says, " You know, Sister and I , in the corner of the garden, you looked so upset and then i realized........" "Oh, that. I was telling you, take the robe, clench it in your teeth. Then you grab the habit............" That's payback for those bastards ruining my youth. Groucho got on an elevator on day with a Priest. the Priest went on and on. "Oh, Mr. MArx, thank you so much for all the joy you've brought to this world with your tremendous sense of humor , and .................." Groucho, repaying the compliment, "and thank you, Padre, for all the joy you've taken out of it." AMEN
There was an American tourist in England. He had been out sight seeing during the day and out drinking late into the night. On his walk home, he had to take a leak but noticed he had gotten lost in the business district and couldn't find a business that was open in order to use a bathroom. He decided to turn down a deserted street and just when he was getting ready to take a leak, a bobby tapped him on the shoulder and said "you can't do that here." The drunken tourist explained his need and the bobby said "Come with me". The Bobby led him down the block and motioned for the drunk to go through a large gated opening gate relieve himself anywhere in there. As he was relieveing himself, the drunk began looking around, quite the splendid gardens and statues and a beautiful building in the backgound. He finished his business and walked through the gates and said to the Bobby "Magnificent gardens and buildings, tell me what is this place?" The Bobby replied "Why, it's the French Embassy"
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire f ighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, " You're probably right..... but then I wouldn't have a siren. " --
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, âGood morning and welcome to Wal-Mart â¦. Nice children youâve got there - are they twins?â The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, âHell no they ainât, the oldest one, heâs 9 and the younger one, sheâs 7. Why the hell would you think theyâre twins?â¦â¦.. Do you really think they look alike?â âNo,â replies the greeter, âI just couldnât believe you got laid twice!â
Birth, Kentucky Style In the back woods of Kentucky, Bubba's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. . . It seems there's yet another one in there, perhaps more!" cried the doctor. Seing his family growing by leaps and bounds in mere seconds, Bubba scratched his head in bewilderment and asked, "Hey, Doc, do you think it's the **&&^^%% light that's attractin' 'em?"
Two drunks are walking down a sidewalk. In the middle of the sidewalk is a dog licking his balls. The first drunk says: "Gee, I wish I could do that." The second drunk says: "Well, ya better pet him first."
Subject: 1 week at the gym WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary, For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing football 20 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified herself as a 24 yr old aerobics instructor and Model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she has this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to stimulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it wo! uld help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too. THURSDAY: Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the F*C**NG Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY: Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing, her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.
Hey, I found a clean joke...drum roll......... ********************************************** Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?" -