Every Monday this guy would call in sick at work. The boss liked the guy but couldn't tolerate it anymore. One Tuesday morning the boss called him into his office and said "Look Joe, every Monday you call in sick, makes me look bad and is there something I can help you with? Ya, got a drinking problem? Is it drugs?" Joe replied "Ah, its my sister, She's married to this guy, gets drunk every week end and beats her up. So she calls me up crying and I go over to see her on Monday morning. She starts crying again, I try to console her, I put my arm around her and next thing you know I'm fucking her" "You're fucking your sister?" "Well, yea. When I called in I told you I was sick"
Hey guys I got a joke. How about a t-shirt that says step 1 - enter the market step 2 - ??? step 3 - profit
Corporate Life #41 The general manager of a large investment bank asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked. "It's John, Sir" the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I don't go for that type of lax environment and lack of mutual respect that can affect our business in a very adverse manner. Therefore, I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. That's who I am and that's how we do things around here. Always. Got that? Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Yes, Sir, I understand. My last name is Darling. In other words, my whole name is John Darling." At which point, the manager smiled, "Okay, John, good to have you with the team. The next thing I want to tell you..."
Dear Ma & Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when you get fed again It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Alice
Computer Power The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far." Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little asshole is adorable.