25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP 1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on the oldies channel. 6. You watch the News and actually wonder when there going to put on the real News. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up." 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You take naps. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home instead of going to a bar. 25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?" Bonus: 26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
Face Lift A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman kept tightening the knob, and the effects were wonderful, and the woman remained young-looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn The Knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them. The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." "Well," she said, "I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
Cheap Shot: Temperature In Chicago 60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats. Chicago people sunbathe. 50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. Chicago people plant gardens. 40 above - Italian cars won't start. Chicago people drive with the windows down. 32 above - Distilled water freezes. Lake Michigan's water gets thicker. 20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold. 15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt. 0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico. Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt. 20 below - People in Miami cease to exist. Chicago people get out their winter coats. 40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door. 60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica. Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. 80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes. Chicago people rent some videos. 100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg. 297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands. 460 below - ALL atomic motion stops. Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??" 5000 below - Hell freezes over. The Chicago Cubs win the World Series!!
The daughter of a religious Jewish family pretends to be dating an Italian, and her parents are horrified. If you cannot listen to wma audio files, an mp3 file is at this page: http://www.bangitout.com/articles/viewarticle.php?a=1518
Being unhappy with my wife's mood swings, I bought her a mood ring the other day so I would be able to monitor her moods. I've discovered that when she is in a good mood, it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big fuckin' red mark on my forehead. I think next time I'll buy her a diamond.
A couple, aged 65 and 67, went to the doctor's office. The Doctor asked them, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us make love?" The doctor looked confused but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $100 This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, screw, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Please explain, just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man responded, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton Hotel charges $152.00 and Hilton Hotel charges $175.00. We shag here for $100.00 and I get $40.00 back from from insurance company for a visit to the doctors office.
Farmer and his wife go to the Doc. The problem, it seems, is that Papa's not taking care of his manly duties on a reglar basis. "Not my fault", says Farmer Bob. "See, we've got a big farm and I'm up and at 'em at 5. Oh, I'm ready and able in the morning, but man, when I get home, I'm to bushed to even think about it." "Well", says Doc. " This is easy. Nothing Medical. Tell you what. Tell Mama here where your're working. Have a matress in the truck bed, and fire off your shotgun when you're ready. Mama, you ride on out there. Everybody should be happy." "'bout three months later, Farmer Bob makes another appointment, but he comes in alone. " "Where 's Mama"? asks the Doc. "Dunno", says Bob. "Ain't seen her since huntin' season started."
Maybe a repeat. Get over it. Same Doc has another guy come in. He wants Viagra. Doc says, 'hey, that stuff isn't candy. We have to prescribe it." He proceeds to give the guy a complete physical which turns out fine. doc says, "you shouldn't be having any problems at your age and with you r health. Wife here?" "Sure. She's in the waiting room. I'll get her. " doc says, "disrobe please. Ok. Lay on the table. Spread your legs. Roll over on your stomach. good good. Get on your back. Get your feet as far over your head as you can. Good, good. Ok get dressed." "well Doc. Do I get my Viagra?" "Nope. You don't need Viagra. She doesn't do anything for me either."
Which reminds me of the time when Oprah lost all that weight. Well, she had to get a physical before she could go on the diet. The Doc asked her to disrobe, and then walk over by the bay window and get on her hands and knees. "OK, he said move a little to the right". He looks her over. "angle yourself a little toward the window. Uh huh. Now move back to left. Very good, very good. Get dressed now." Doc leaves the exam room. When he comes back, he checks his clipboard, and gives Oprah the ok to go on her diet. She looks at him in a quizzical way... Doc says, "yes, what is it?" "Well", she stammers, " you had me undress and do all those, those, well you know, hands and knees, windows? What was that for?" "Oh, that. I just ordered a brown sofa, and I wanted to see how it'd look by the window." And one quickie before bed time: What does mountain climbing and a Whoopi Goldberg hummer have in common? In both cases, don't look down.