Guy gets off a bar stool, falls down drunk. He decides to crawl to the door, gets to the sidewalk, tries to stand up and falls down. He thinks to himself, it's not really that far to home and crawls the rest of the way. He gets to his steps and tries to stand up, bam, falls down again. He crawls up the steps into the house. Again, tries to get up to the bed and falls down again. Crawls into bed. Next morning his wife wakes him up and yells "You were out drinking again last night weren't ya?" "Yeah, why?" "The bartender called and said you left your wheel chair."
drinking joke, drinking jokes, drin.........ahhhh. Julio Egglaces is performing in a small town. Goes to a small bar for a nightcap, over in the corner sat an attractive set of twins, siamese twins, attached at the hips. Julio comes over to chat, one thing leads to the other, Julio not noticing how close the ladies were puts the move on. Sure, says the one closest to him. Just one thing, and she shows him. Hey, it's three am. Let's go. Things move along, and Julio notices during foreplay, the other one is breathing hard to. He's sorta shocked, and his date says, "Oh, we experience the same pains, feelings, excitement as the other. Pay no mind. As the two are making love, the third is screaming, grabs a saxaphone, plays her kazoo, writhes, folds over, the works. Quite an evening to say the least. A year later, Julio walks into the same bar, the girls are in the corner. One pokes the other and says, "Hey, think he'll remember us?"
Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the breeze with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed, Clueless Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.
The Fly In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh ... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed." There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches ... that fish will jump for the fly...and I will eat him." It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh! ," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy." You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but...I can tell you there was more...... A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly.... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich." A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish....and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich.....then I can have mouse for lunch." The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly.... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear.... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water and drowns. The moral of the story is.... Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Some pussy is probably in danger.
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet; be gentle; don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife. "I'll go tell him," says Goldberg
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"
There is an old "You Bet Your Life" where Groucho has on a member of the Australian Swim Team competing in the 1956 Olympics. He tells Groucho his story, "Well Mr. Marx, I'm up at Five, have a breakfast of air and wheat germ, swim ten miles, lift weights, have a lunch of raw fish and protein shake, hit the gym hit the pool... no , I dont' have a girlfriend, we aren't allowed to date, ..." on and on. With timing of the master he was, Groucho looks down, puffs his cigar, looks at the bloke and says, "tell me young man, when you're swimming in that pool, have you ever thought of just going under and not coming back up?"
This one is attributed to him, but for obvious reasons, you won't see it in print.... "I was in Scranton once. I had a girlfriend who wanted me to kiss her where it stinks, so I took her there." Feel free to plug in the destination of your choice. (sorry to you Scrantonites).