Jokes

Actually, Penicillan was invented during WWII. Saved my life several times. It was pretty new though. Lots of hanky panky going on. Brittany Spears did not invent sex. Lots of drugs, in the more urban areas. Don Adams told a story of being scared before going on stage. A musician gave him something and said, here, go smoke this. It will relax you. Adams said he walked out, grabbed the mike, and screamed at the top of his lungs until they dragged him off. And Big Bands were over by then. The bid show was the "Hit Parade". Giselle MacKenzie, Patti Page, those kid of folks. And after WWII, there was a tremendous amount of post tramatic stress that didn't yet exist. There were a lot of guys that plain old drank themselves to death. Audie Murphy, the most decorated Soldier, became a invenerate gambler and womanizer, and died broke. Gas was eleven cents, but in the early fifties, a worker could expect to earn eighty five cents an hour.

And by the way, we were all scared shitless as kids because of the Russians and Chinese. We used to have air raid drills and have to dive under desks, like maple would protect you from a radiation blast.

Nope, it was no better, no worse, just life. We just know how it turned out. It looks good because we don't know what tomorrow brings.

Sorry to be dour, but thanks for the memories.

 

I dont't need any reminding about the thirties, forties, fifties, sixties, seventies, eighties, nineties etc. I'm still trying to get over those memories that I have now.

 

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
* 40-ish..................................49.
* Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.
* Athletic................................No breasts.
* Average looking.....................Moooo.
* Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
* Emotionally Secure..................On medication.
* Feminist...............................Fat.
* Free Spirit.............................Junkie.
* Friendship first.......................Former Slut.
* New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
* Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
* Open-minded.........................Desperate.
* Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.
* Professional...........................Bitch.
* Voluptuous...........................Very fat.
* Large frame...........................Hugely fat.
* Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.

>DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
* Yes.....................................No
* No......................................Yes
* Maybe.................................No
* We need...............................I want
* I am sorry.............................You'll be sorry
* We need to talk......................You're in trouble
* Sure, go ahead........................You better not
* Do what you want...................You will pay for this later
* I am not upset........................Of course, I am upset, you
moron!
* You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?

>DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
* I am hungry...........................I am hungry
* I am sleepy............................I am sleepy
* I am tired..............................I am tired
* Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!
* I love you..............................Let's have sex now
* I am bored.............................Do you want to have sex?
* May I have this dance?..................I'd like to have sex with
you.
* Can I call you sometime?..............I'd like to have sex with you.
* Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.
* Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.
* I don't think those shoes go with that outfit.............I'm gay.

 

Life is all about ass ... think about it.

You're either covering it,
looking for it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,

or behaving it like one!"

 

DUI

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”
“I've been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you've had quite a few.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.”

 

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the lake near Canberra.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand
how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the the same age, we were the
same size as kids."

"Well", said the big croc, "What have you beeen eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small croc.

"Hmmm, Well, where do you catch them?

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the parliament
house."

"Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to
unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg and shake the
shit out of them and eat 'em."

"Ah!" says the big crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a
briefcase."

 

There were two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they were in a bar arguing over which of them could have sex the most times in one night. They decided to settle the issue by going to the local brothel for the evening.

So they got to the brothel, paired off with a couple of ladies, and went to their respective rooms.

The white guy energetically had sex with his escort and reaching up with a pencil, marked a line on the wall. Then he fell asleep. He woke up in a couple of hours and had sex again, albeit a little less enthusiastically. Again, he reached back and marked a line on the wall. And again, he fell asleep. He woke up again in a couple of hours and lethargically had sex again. He drowsily marked a third line on the wall and fell asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barged into the white guy's room to see how he did. He took one look at the wall and exclaimed, "A hundred and eleven? Ah man!!! You beat me by three!"

:eek:

 

Sadly I found out today my dentist is going through a divorce. Apparently his wife had a cavity he wasn't able to fill.

 

Two bananas were sitting on a river bank. A turd went floating by and yelled out "C'mon in, the waters fine!"

One banana turned to the other and said, "Do you believe that piece of shit?"

 

guy gets pulled over for speeding. Cop says, "sir, do you know why you were pulled over?"

"No Idea, officer."

His wife says, "you know you were speeding."

guy glares at her. Cop says, "I had you for 70 in a 55".

Guy says, "officer, I was doing anywhere near that."

But, Cupcake chimes in, " He was doing 80, officer, until he saw you."

The guy looks at her, swears his head off, raises her hand to hit her, when he realizes the officer is right there at the window.

"Does he treat you like this all the time, Lady?"

" Only when he's been drinking."