I think this one is buried deep in this thread, but I was laughing with somebody about explaining Wall Street fraud to 12 Californians ala OSTK's lawsuit - how easy to paint that picture to 12 everyday people. Anyway: Bubba gets caught sodomizing a sheep. (Biggest lie in Oklahoma. "I'm just helping this sheep over the fence, Officer"). A resident of a small town, he goes to the Mayor and asks for advice. "You'll need an attorney, you know." "Yessir. Any suggestions." "Well, Johnknee Cockran over on Main is the best man if you want an Attny who knows the law inside and out. But ole Al Losthiswits knows how to pick a jury." "I don't know what that means to me, Mayor. Who would you go to?" "Losthiswits. You can't underestimate the value of 12 people not smart enough to get out of jury duty." Our lovelorn hero does as told, and in the opening arguments, the Prosecution rants and raves and points to the defendant bellowing, " and this defendant, in violation of not only the laws of this country, but any basic human morality, was caught having a sheep, a creature of God, perforning oral sex on his person." One of the jurors nudges the guy next to him and says, "the good ones 'll do that , ya know."
THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Friday, February 23, 2007 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays -- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll -- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 After Dinner Dishes -- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM Class 6 Loss Of Identity -- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Learning How To Find Things -- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch -- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost -- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live -- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy -- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 14 The Stove/Oven -- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses diplomas will be issued to the survivors!
DUI - NORTH DAKOTA STYLE Only a person in North Dakota could think of this. From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Minot, North Dakota after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Perfect Frank A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank - every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special" Cabbie: "There's more..... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." Passenger. "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them." Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around." Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - the perfect man!" Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his widow." ==================================================== Frozen Skunk A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "OK, Get in the car with it." The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there." "But what about the smell?" said the wife. "Just hold its little nose." the man said. The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene
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Another Great Oldie A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard. The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard until we get back, as always! At which point, the cab driver hit a parked car.
A Well Known Fact Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
To my darling husband, Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Walmart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kindhearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again. Your loving wife. XXX (See Attached Picture) PS Your girlfriend called.
Truth Be Told A well known journalist was asked to address a group of Catholic priests and bishops at a sumptuous affair that was held for them every year at a luxurious hotel, arranged by a wealthy benefactor of the Church. "Good evening estimed Fathers, I'm honored to be speaking to you. Coming from a different denomination, I recently asked Bishop James who invited me here what it takes to become a member of the clergy. I was told that, in addition to being Catholic, one has to take an oath to uphold poverty and chastity all their lives." He pauses a moment or three to admire the exquisite banquet hall and the hordes of formally dressed waitors that were serving the best food and drink to all guests. "Truth is," he continues, "if this is poverty, I can't wait to see chastity!!"