A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', inter-stellar space travel', the latest medical breakthroughs, etc... The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end. The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50". The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e... y-o-u-r... p-e-o-p-l-e... g-o-i-n-g... t-o. n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e... H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?????
A guy has 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a stranger comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says, "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the stranger. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" The fellow says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The guy shakes his head..............."No, they're all at the funeral."
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke." "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
A man approached a very beautiful woman in Wal-Mart and said, "I've lost my wife here at Wal-Mart. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, Her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared. And asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and That she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their Family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble Set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble Ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this Your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three Thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the Riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the Water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you Crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord reached down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a Misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you Would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would Have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have Given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be Able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him. The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and Honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" TRUE STORY??
Blonde is speeding, and gets pulled over. Lo and behold, a blonde female trooper. "may I see your license please?" "Sure, but what are you talking about?" "Your Driver's license. That small sorta square thing with your picture on it??? Look in your purse please." Blonde rumages through here purse and finds a compact mirror. looking in it she sees her "picture" and hands it to the Blonde Officette. "Here you go." Cop looks in it......" Aw, I didn't know you were a cop. You can go."
The funeral.... A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed b etween the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."