Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob, is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it's me," Bob replied. "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" "Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl." "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night." :eek:
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!! I think we all know that somewhere, sometime, an "Earl" bought a handgun that wouldn't fire, so, he looked down the barrel and went, "click............click...............blam".
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to." A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun. The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."
>HISTORY LESSON 1 > > >Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals 2. Conservatives Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
Uh, oh; now you did it... You need inpatient psych therapy after this joke!!!: http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/01/25/tv.greys.anatomyfeud.ap/index.html
guilty as charged. My only defense is, I think over my life I insulted every religion, culture and ethnic group capable of being ridiculed. I play no favorites. All in good fun. To prove my point, this one went around before the Polack. I think he was John the Twenty something, the last Italian Pope. Anyway, the Mafia kidnaps da Pope for ransom. The authorities balk, so the mob tells the Victim Pope, "Padre, we are going to make you have sex with a woman." He says, "Oh, nota that!" "It's either that, or start killing your staff, one by one." "Well, sincea you puttit data way.......... But, I hava demands". "Ok. What are your "demands"???? "First, dissa woman, she musta have no eyes, so she noa see who do dissa awful thinga to her. Agreed." "Fine. She'll be blind. What else?" " She gotta be deaf, so nobody can tella her who did this terrible thing toa her." "Ok, Ok, we'll poke her eardrums out. What else.?" " She musta be mute, so she can.........." "Ok, OK, we'll cut her tongue out so she can't squeal. Anything else.?" " Yeah, justa one ting. She gotta have biga tits!!!!"
Let's see, all of women, most of Asian men, and half of European men, that would be about 80% of the world population. American men married to a stay-home wife. That would be about 1% of the world population. The other 19% are just wannabes. Clever way to start a chain letter. Just don't let your wife see it.
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!" The cab driver hit a parked car
Subject: The Pharmacist A woman walks into a pharmacy and said she wanted to purchase some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he said, Lord, have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Just to show I can also appreciate "simple" humor. Boudreax was planning to marry his high school sweetheart and went to discuss this with her father, Pierre. After his announcement, Pierre says. "Boudreaux I have always thought of you as a low class cajun redneck, but now seeing how Pauline fancies you, I guess I need to accept it. But, seeing how things are going and before things get too physical, I need to tell you that my Pauline, she has acute agina. Boudreaux, he says, "I know, and she has some big tits too! Sorry.