Where To Live After Retirement As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips. You can Live in Phoenix , Arizona where..... 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. 6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! You can Live in California where... 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. You can Live in New York City where... 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 3.You think Central Park is "nature," 4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 5. You've worn out a car horn. 6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. You can Live in Maine where... 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco . 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for moose. 4. Sexy l ingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. You can Live in the Deep South where... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. 3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense. 4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc. You can live in Colorado where.. 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. You can live in the Midwest where... 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!" AND You can live in Florida where.. 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. And a superb plastic surgeon. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people. 6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........ My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry! Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?" Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband. How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby? I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia) Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike! When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop? I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay
A REASON TO DRINK? A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!," says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
we/ve posted so many, this might be a repeat, but what the hey. The previous joke reminds me of the man having dinner w/his wife when a gorgeous brunette comes into the restaurant w/ an escort, comes over, and lays a big sloppy one on our hero. His wife goes balistic....."who is that?!?!?!?!?" "My mistress, Gwen." "Why, you two - timing sonuvabitch. I'll take you for everything you've got. You'll have to pee out of the window, I'll ............." "You'll do nothing of the kind. You've never worked a day in your life. You drive a Bentley, have a maid, a butler. I'll bury you if you lift a finger. You'll be scrubbing floors. Remember? You never went to college. You've got it good. As it is, what's mine is yours. Give me grief, you'll have nothing. Now why don't you just shut the fuck up and finish your filet? Dutifully, wifey bows her head and picks at her food. "Excuse me," she says. "Isn't that Irv? That's not Viv! Who's that blonde he's with? " "That's his mistress." "Oh," she says......................... "Our's is prettier."
Talking Dog? A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit. "
The Pope decided to take a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. His chauffeur was cruising along a campground when he saw a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "Down with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bears chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi conscious Democrat from the bears grasp. Then, using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom." "Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Last years winners: 1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3 . Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners: 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness. 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. 9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action. 12 .Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an ass.
Thank you. I have tears in my eyes. Fabulous. And who's been carrying it around in a wallet for how many years? And the bastard stood there taking a picture while his family pet is being boned by a raccoon. I can see him on a camping trip. "Kids, a grizzley is humping Mommy. Get a camera".