Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing." The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn! hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this!......Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said , "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damned Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."
Three Louisiana rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower - Cletis, Bubba and Earl. Earl falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Cletis says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bubba. says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Cletis says, "Where did you get that beer, Bubba.?" "Earl's wife gave it to me," Bubba. replies. Cletis says, "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer? Well, not exactly", Bubba. says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Earl's widow." She said, "No, I'm not a widow." Then I said, I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
There is variance of that joke, there are only seven, they say...... The bondsalesman looks through the obits, picks out a recently departed in a good neighborhood. "Hello, is bob there? " Why know.......did you know him?" "Sure, we he's a good customer of mine." "Well, I'm sorry to tell you, Bob passed away." "What? Who's going to pay for these bonds?" I guess that's the ultimate "cold call".
The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem: 35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem." 65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio."
What's A New Hat Worth? A seasoned lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat." "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 70 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Sad, But True We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
Yeah, but it don't wear out.......... Anyway, a fellow comes into work with a shiner. His pal asks the matter......... "well, I was getting on the bus, and this fat woman was getting on in front of me. Her dress was stuck in her, well , uh, you know, so I pulled it out for her. She turned around and wacked me." Next day, another shiner. His buddy......"now what?". "Well, I'm getting on that same bus, and that same woman was ahead of me........" "Awww, you didn't...." "Nope, but the guy in front of me did. And I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in....." What I truly love is posting this crap, and it says, "thank you for posting". Only in America.... Hell , 30 million illegal immigrants know somethin'.
It's Happy Hour at Slappy's Bar and Grill. A bunch of construction guys are gettin' wasted over in the corner, and decide to see who the best man is. They all lay their manhood on the bar in the ultimate of contests. Gay guy walks in. Barkeep says, "what'll ya have?" Gay guy says, " I think I'll try the buffet".
UNDERSTANDING GENESIS In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food." God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs. OOPS!
What Religion is Your Bra? A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. " " What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type? " "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from ." Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer? " Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple.. " The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills. ............................................................................ Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! (A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up ! ............................................... They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!