There was a USO tour formed by Drew Carey to entertain the guys in Iraq, filmed by Jeff Ross. Carey is doing his standup, and I'll paraphrase: "You know, like in Vietnam a GI would hook up with a really cute Vietnamese girl, bring her home, marry her? I don't see that happening here. Hey, how 'bout droppin' some razors and makeup next time you make a helo run?"
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity. 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 10. Is there another word for synonym? 11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs? 21. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 24. How is it possible to have a civil war? 25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? 26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "S" in it? 29. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 30. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 31. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Brother Ralph With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years. The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions." The minister inquired "Trips to where?" "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China." The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?" Brother Ralph: "I'm going to go to China again and get her back!"
Latest California Poll The latest poll taken by the Governor of California yielded results on whether or not people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem: a) 41% of the respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem." b) 59% of the respondents answered: "No es un problema serio".
Old, But Priceless A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received over a thousand letters. In one way or another, they all said the same thing: "You can have mine, please!"
..........know what the penalty for bigamy is in America? Two wives. Speaking of wives, this is supposedly the best divorce letter ever....... This is pretty rough, but somehow, I think this thread can handle it. "throat yogurt", "cinammon ring", LOL funny. http://kontraband.com:80/show/show.asp?ID=5071&rtn=index-topten&nsfwfs=yes
An older couple, Ray and Bessie, live in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "nope." Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different: It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow. Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!!!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
A classic (Saturday Night) tale. Christmas Story for people having a bad day.... When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
For all our Corporate Types: Christmas Party Announcement FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: November 10, 2006 RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 20, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should cost more than $10.00 to make it easier for everyone's pockets. Our CEO will make a special announcement. This gathering is for employees only! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty _____________________________________ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: November 10, 2006 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no presents. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now??? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty _____________________________________ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: November 13, 2006 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange; no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money, and the executives believe $10.00 is a little too chintzy. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Patty _____________________________________ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: November 14, 2006 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during the daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party -- or else package everything for you to take home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food -- we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruit as dessert for diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty _____________________________________ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F---king Employees DATE: November 15, 2006 RE: The F---king Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks -- I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f---king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die!!! The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!! _____________________________________ FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: November 16, 2006 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery in "the unit," and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party. Happy Holidays!