My fav Yiddish joke from a book I read years ago.......... Romberg, the traveling salesmen, finds himself in a stall with no toilet paper. He sees feet to his right and says, "Hey, got any toilet paper?" "Naw, ain't no toilet paper here". "Got any newspapers?" "Naw, no newspaper in here." "Any magazines? How about a magazine?" "Nope. No magazines." What a disgusting predicament. Looking around, thinking........ "Hey! Got two fives for a ten?"
Then and Now *Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack. 1963 Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack. 2006 School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1963 Crowd gathers. Mark wins Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled. 2006 Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1963 Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class. 2006 Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping. 1963 Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2006 Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist. Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school. 1963 Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock. 2006 Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant. 1963 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers. 2006 Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parents' consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time. Scenario: Pedro fails high school English. 1963 Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college. 2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed. 1963 Ants die. 2006 BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him. 1963 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.
CDC The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman? The used car salesman knows when he's lying.
Divorce, Greek Style The Greek-American father calls his son a couple of days before Christmas and says sadly, "Niko, my son, I hate to ruin your day, but I must tell you that your mother and I are divorcing - forty-five years of misery is enough." "My Baba, what are you talking about?" Niko yells back. "I'm telling you, we can't stand the sight of each other any longer, We're sick of each other, and I'm sorry for talking about this, so, please, do me a favor and call your sister Toula and let her know." Frantic, the son calls Toula, who explodes on the phone."No way are my loving parents getting divorced!" she shouts. She calls Dad immediately and screams - - "Baba, you are not getting divorced! Don't do anything until we get there. I'm calling Niko back and we'll all be there tomorrow, Kostas and Maria and the kids too. Do you hear me?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Hey, Eleni," he says,"it's all taken care of. They're all coming home with their families for Christmas and, for a change, they are actually paying their own way!!"
And, Speaking Of Sex, Again I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other e eight are unimportant." --George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams