Jokes

The First Inter-Galactic Conversation

For his entire working life, a dedicated and hardworking Astrophysicist tried in all earnest to find the existence of other sentient beings somewhere in the universe. After 58 years of constant effort, he finally receives a response from a planet 30 billion light years away.

"I have been trying this for a very long time, but here goes again..." sounded the tired voice of the extraterrestrial from the other side of the Universe.

"Me too, me too!" exclaimed the Human.

“What is your planet like?” groaned the extraterrestrial.

“It is 12,756 Kilometers in diameter, is 93,000,000 miles from the nearest star, our sun, has an average temperature of 72 degrees F. We breathe oxygen, live about 79 years, and have both male and female members of our species, men and women” answered the Physicist.

“Do the you get along with the women on your planet? Do you understand how they think and what they want from you?” the extraterrestrial asked slowly and carefully.

Puzzled by the question, but not wanting to insult the female Physicists near by, he answered “Why yes. We get along quite well here.”

To which the extraterrestrial perked up tremendously: “Finally! That's what I was looking forward to hearing for so long!! Can we send you ours?”

 

What is the lamest joke you've ever heard/told?

 

"How do you make an elephant float?"

"I don't know."

Answer: "You add root beer, ice cream, whipped cream, and top it with a cherry."


Really lame joke, but it made us laugh. On a first date my senior year in highschool, we read a small joke book, and that was probably the best one of the entire book. Didn't matter though, because we were crazy about each other.

Also, a while back I tried to make up the lamest joke possible, and posted it in this thread. It too actually turned out to be a little funny, even though it was not my intention.

http://www.elitetrader.com/vb/showthread.php?s=&postid=1027590#post1027590

 

Here is a lame one that I made up.

One of our soldiers in Iraq asks an arab if he is a suni or a shiite and he replies, "A shiite.

"How do I know that," asked the soldier and the shiite replies, "Because Iaholatoomany."

 

Lame: How Does A Mathematician Empty A Box of Matches?

There are two possibilities:

1. The box of matches is full.

In this case, the mathematician opens the box and empties its contents outright.

2. The box of matches is only partially full, or, even, totally empty.

In this case, the mathematician fills the box with matches, and, thereby, reduces the problem to case #1, which was addressed above.

 

A Cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year
tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

 

Subject: The picture on the night stand

After a long night of passionate lovemaking, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery" she (he) brags. . . .

 

Another Great Oldie

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

 

OK, Here it is: The ultimate computer waste of time!!

http://www.tomslighthouse.net/special/Socks.swf

 

The Wonderful Family

In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died.

His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.

The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.

After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles.

The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.

She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did.

They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex." So they did.

After praying all morning, they came home to rest; and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did.

On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, " So, how is the new husband?"

She replied, "Well, he is no scholar, for sure; but he comes from an absolutely wonderful family!