Smart Little Davie A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?" The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!" Little Davie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Love Those Lawyers A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything! The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!!"
Trading Embarrassing Situations! A rather shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
Subject: Democratic National Convention for 2008 Just Released - Agenda for the Democratic National Convention for 2008: 7:00 PM Opening flag burning. 7:15 PM Pledge of allegiance to U.N. and opening song by the DixieChicks 7:30 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 7:30â 8:00 PM P.M Nonreligious prayer and worship. Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton. 8:00 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 8:05 PM Ceremonial tree hugging and Cat show 8:15 - 8:30 PM Gay Wedding - Barney Frank, presiding. 8:30 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 8:35 PM Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan & Susan Sarandon. 9:00 PM Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender French President Jacques Chirac 9:15 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 9:20 PM Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund. 9:30 PM Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn. 9:40 PM Why I hate the Military - a short talk by William Jefferson Clinton. 9:45 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 9:50 PM Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award by Michael Moore. 9:55 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 10:00 PM How Bush and Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Tower- Howard Dean. 10:30 PM Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahmadinejad 11:00 PM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 11:05 PM Al Gore reinvents the Internet 11:15 PM Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry 11:30 PM Coronation Of Mrs. Rodham Clinton 12:00 AM Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 12:05 AM Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home :eek:
Good Work Ethic The old accountant retired after sixty years, and on the top drawer of his desk they found a note that said: âdebits in the columns toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window.â
The Signs Of Our Times Did I read that sign right? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS: PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Political Correctness: "A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why Rednecks Can't Be Paramedics A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba's dead! What should Ah do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence... and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now whut?"
Old, But Great I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?)... (duh ...here's your sign)... On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most my orfices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I had been poisoned by the food and that is why I ended up in the hospital. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the checkout guy was going to die on the spot... so, I just took my change and left.