Based on recent Gallop Poll statistics; 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become!
We all know that it isn't polite to use the "F" word! There are only ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for single or multiple use: 10. "F---ing Florida Dems, can't even push out them f---ing chads!" - Al Gore, 2000 9. "Look at all them f---ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877 8. "Any f---ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938 7. "It does so f---ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926 6. "How the f--- did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on the f---ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566 4. "Where the f--- are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. "Scattered f---ing showers.....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC 2. "Aw c'mon girl, do it! Who the f---'s going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1999 And number 1.....drum roll....... 1. "Geez Mama, I didn't think those f---ers were going to get this f---ing mad!!!" - Saddam Hussein, just a few days ago.
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE A REDNECK? 1. You and your dog use the same tree. 2. You scratch your back with a toilet brush. 3. A tornado comes through your trailer park and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 4. Your Sunday church is watching NASCAR on TV.
(5) Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. (6) Your richest uncle buys a new home...and you have to help take the wheels off.
One day the Pope is sitting on his throne doing a crossword puzzle. He fills in some squares, frowns and scratches his head. "What's a four letter word for woman that ends in u, n, t?" He asks one of his cardinals. "That's easy," replies the cardinal. "Aunt." "Thanks," says the Pope. "Got an eraser?"
What follows is the first draft text of a presidential address to be given by President Bush on July 4, 2003. My fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. The discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been covered thoroughly in the press. An new Iraqi government has been established and appears to be stable. Our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France. In the out years, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. I am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, and all other Middle Eastern nations. Leave us alone. Solve your own problems. Need help? Call Germany. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China. Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like everybody has forgotten what happened to European Jews during the 1930s and World War II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of Israel. No way, Jose. Nevertheless, to Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too. I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York. Oh, and by the way, we are no longer going to host the UN in the United States. I am suggesting Rwanda as a suitable alternative. You can use your big expense accounts to eat in a fancy, flea ridden grass shack restaurant next to your fancy, bedbug ridden grass shack hotel. A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty---starting now. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying darn tootin'. Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to provide medical care for all Americans. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you. To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Good luck! God bless America!!