A Year In The Life Of A Blonde January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!! March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!" April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!! May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open. September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel. November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!! December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!! What a year!!
Italian Honeymoon After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in New York to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?" Luigi said, "Everytinga was a perfecto except for da traina ride down." "Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grand Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She brought vino, some nice a cigars for me and we were lookin a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa okey dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga his finger at us and a say, "No eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car." "So, me and a my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a bigga luncha and start to open a bottle of nicea vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club car." "So we go to club car. While drinking vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, No smokina disa car. Must go to smokina car." "We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the Conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of his voice, Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!" Luigi sighed. "Nexta time, for sure I'mma gonna take a da bus."
The Thanksgiving Spirit A man was walking down the street on Thanksgiving day when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific Thanksgiving dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." To which the man replied: "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex!"
THE BOX UNDER BILL & HILLARY'S BED When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it" In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box was 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem." Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
Homeless Woman A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked "No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight. The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."
Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A: A cherry float. Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A: Beat it - we're closed. Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A: To find a tight seal. Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around. Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Q: What's another name for pickled bread? A: Dill-dough. Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can sleep with a light on. Q: Why is sex like a bridge game? A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand. Q: What's the definition of macho? A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy. Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? A: Their balls are just for decoration
How the Fukawi tribe got its name. Hundred of years ago, long before the whiteman arrived, a tribe of Maori warriors in New Zealand decided to explore the Waikato river. This river is the largest in New Zealand and runs for hundreds of miles. After a couple of weeks on the river the tribe were in territory totally unknown and strange to them. Feeling lost they started yelling out to everyone on the riverbank: Where the fuck are we?! Where the fuck are we?! Of course, being kiwis, 'where' and 'we are' sound almost the same.
Corporate Life #36 Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer replies, "In the region of $200,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 8-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, your own apartment all paid for, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette or a Porsche 929?" The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer grins, "Yeah, I am, but YOU started it!"