A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest is giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments. Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going to do... Man: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. Father: Go ahead, son. Man: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack. Father: Is that so? Man: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments and I changed my mind. Father: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?" Man: No. It was when you started talking about "Thou shalt not commit adultery" that I remembered where my hat was! :eek:
A Cold Lesson So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you, Sir. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on, and I'll be the most polite bird ever, I promise!" The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, Sir, what did the chicken do?"
Happy Halloween For The Advocates Of Unlimited Welfare Benefits http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,3-2394929,00.html An artist of idleness tells how to work the system for 24 years. In a country where 2.2 million people are unemployed and the welfare system offers generous benefits, Thierry F's story is all too familiar...
At The Zoo This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" At which point., the lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up, you idiot, or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy" "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left lung." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?" The rest, as they say, is history... After a few days after creation, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that WAS enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, What is a 'caress'?" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description, and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "'Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "'You've done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?" So the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds, puzzled to no end. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?" Adam was returning home one night in paradise after staying out late with the lion and the tiger. Eve got angry and yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN" Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth" and went to sleep. Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve. "What are you doing?", he asked. "I'm counting your ribs" she responded.
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it. "That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right.. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden."Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull; all the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see .... where did I put that useless boob?" Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that bullsh*t about the rib?
Mark Twain claimed that he found the following excerpt from Eve's diary. "Today in a wood we heard a Voice. We hunted for it, but could not find it. Adam said he had heard it before, but had never seen it, though he had been quite close to it ... It was the Lord of the Garden, he said, ... and it had said we must not eat of the fruit of a certain tree, and that if we ate it we should surely die. ... I wanted to see the tree, so we had a pleasant long walk ... Adam said it was the tree of knowledge of good and evil. "Good and evil?" "Yes." "What is that?" "What is what?" "Why, those things. What is good?" "I do not know. How should I know?" "Well, then what is evil?" "I suppose it is the name of something, but I do not know what." "But, Adam, you must have some idea of what it is." "Why should I have some idea? I have never seen the thing, how am I to form any conception of it? What is your own notion of it?" (editorial note: this interchange continues for a while ... think Abbot & Costello's "Who's on First" finally "We sat silently for a while turning over the puzzle in our minds: then all at once I saw how to find out, and was surprised that we had not thought of it at the beginning, it was so simple. I sprang up and said, "How stupid we are! Let us eat of it: we shall die, and then we shall know what it is and not have any more bother about it." Adam saw that it was the right idea ..."
Come on. Let's get back to "bud ump bump". Two flys land on a turd. One farts. THe other says, Hey, Hey, I'm eatin' here. Whaddya call a Nazi with a 500 dollar hat? "Your holiness. " Stop, I'm killin' me.
Smart Old Dog A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" And the moral of this story: Don't mess with old folks...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! The ability to sell bullshit with brilliance only comes with age and experience. Of course, no one is in any way insinuating that you are old... it's just that some of us are a bit more "youth challenged" than others!!!!