Social Security Age? After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home, "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
I hate to be the one to post a political joke, but this one made me laugh out loud. . . . Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified handshake from the Queen. They ride in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they board a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six magnificent white horses. They ride towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart and the smell was excruciating, both of them had to use handkerchiefs over their noses. The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." George Bush, always trying to be 'Presidential', replies: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... If you had not mentioned it, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish > English-- now dubbed Hebonics -- as a second language. Backers of > The move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize > Hebonics as a valid language and a significant attribute of > American culture. According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at > Brooklyn College and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence > Structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language > patterns, as well as Yiddish. > > Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any > question is usually another question -- plus a complaint that is implied or > stated. Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be...with my bad > feet?'" > > Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for > expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a > word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay > away. You want a nosebleed?" > > Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the > end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress." > > Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of > The sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a > turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks." > > Schollman provided the following examples from his best-selling > textbook, Switched-On Hebonics: > > Question: "What time is it?" > English answer: "Sorry, I don't know." > Hebonic response: "What am I, a clock?" > > Remark: "I hope things turn out okay." > English answer: "Thanks." > Hebonic response: "I should be so lucky!" > > Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready." > English answer: "Be right there." > Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the > 'hurry' > business? Is there a fire?" > > Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged." > English answer: "Congratulations!" > Hebonic response: "She could stand to lose a few pounds." > > To the guest of honor at a birthday party: > English answer: "Happy birthday." > Hebonic response: "A year smarter you should become." > > Remark: "A beautiful day." > English answer: "Sure is." > Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?" > > Answering a phone call from a son: > English answer: "It's been a while since you called." > Hebonic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead already?" > >
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss' car. (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". (e) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: (a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! (b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! (c) Another set and we can hit the showers! 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs. 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story. 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. 29: Pull out We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below. "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?" "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next"
"Everyone knows that Congress people are assigned to committees based on their great weakness. Why would Senator Ted Stevens---a man more comfortable in the horse and buggy era---be in charge of regulating the Internet, which he believes is a series of tubes? A series of tubes though which other congressmen can reach through and fondle 16-year-olds." ---John Oliver "But in fairness to the Republicans, let me just throw this out: who invented the Internet? That's right, Al Gore, a Democrat. If it wasn't for him, none of this would have happened. Run with it, Fox News!" ---Jimmy Kimmel
Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2005 Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." ***************** Smart Ass Answer #4: A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." ******************* Smart Ass Answer #3: The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. ******************* Smart Ass Answer #2: A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." ******************* #1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005....................... A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept: Musharraf : Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that.. Bush: What buildings? What people?? Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now? Bush: It's eight in the morning. Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!
To all who are Italian by blood or Italian by association. FRIENDS VS. ITALIAN FRIENDS FRIENDS: Never ask for food ITALIAN FRIENDS: bring food when ever they come over. FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs. ITALIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad. FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. ITALIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you. FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back. ITALIAN FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long you forget it was yours, then you borrow it back. FRIENDS: know a few things about you. ITALIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book about you. (but wouldn't) FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing. ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you. FRIENDS: Would knock on your door ITALIAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "Yo, I'm here!" FRIENDS: Are for a while. ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are for life. FRIENDS: Will ignore this. ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will share this.