There is a distinct possibility that the mods don't find you funny... just an observation.... To moderator: If you're going to remove posts, please be thorough and remove the original offending ones as well. Otherwise the only fair thing to do is to keep both the offending posts and my replies to them. Thanks. [/B][/QUOTE]
[/B][/QUOTE] Funny is subjective. This one is funny to me but not to you: A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back,complaining that the radio was not working. "Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!" She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it. She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attentionto the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision. "Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."
Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents Johnny thought for a moment and said: "Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. And George W. Bush can't tell the difference."
"Bush said his brother, Jeb, would make a great president. That's all we need. Big Brother's little brother." --Bill Maher "The president said his brother Jeb 'would be a great president.' I guess we voted for the wrong one then." --Jimmy Kimmel "Florida Gov. Jeb Bush says he wants to be president. Well that's good, somebody will have to pardon his brother." --David Letterman "President Bush said he'd like to see his brother, Jeb, become president. Great campaign slogan -- 'Jeb Bush: Couldn't do any worse.'" --Jay Leno
Ageless Cowboy Wisdom * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. * Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. * A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. * Don't sell your mule to buy a plow. * If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya. * Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. * Do not corner something you know is meaner than you. * You cannot unsay a cruel word. * Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. * The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller. * Folks that complain they don't get what they deserve, don't know how fortunate they are. * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with looks at you in the mirror every mornin'. * Don't worry about bitin' off more 'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. * Remember: Don't squat with your spurs on. * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Keep skunks and politicians and lawyers at a distance. * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. * If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't. * It's better to be a has-been than a never-was. * Meanness don't jest happen overnight.
Overview: The trip to the vet with a lizard (as told by a good friend of mine). Here's what happened, as described by the father/husband of the family: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into is bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, " come look at the lizard!" Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.(I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed! "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later... We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. ; More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 1 - Lizards - $140... 2 - Cage - $50... 3 - Trip to the Vet - $30... 4 - Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie - Priceless ------------------------------------------ Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs
Getting Confirmation An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, friend, you're too drunk." A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender replies, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk." Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink. Again the bartender yells: "Listen to me buddy, you're too drunk, go home!" The drunk sits on a stool, scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing!!"
Dennis Hastert and Tom Foley were enjoying an afternoon together in the park, when an old stray dog came over, laid down beside them and began licking his balls. In surprise, Foley exclaimed, "Gosh, I wish that I could do that", to which Hastert replied, "Well if I were you, I think that I would pat him first".