(probably a repeat) Chinese Doctor While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc." The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease." The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want opelate. Make more money that way. No need opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!" the man replies. "Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks, Faw off by itself! You save money."
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with a spear lodged in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.
Why Women Are Crabby... We started to " bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole! After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more? When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday. So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me. Send this to seven bright women you know and make their day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little..... I become more intense as I age.
Golf vs. Wall Street and Trading Subject: 1923 In 1923, who was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.The Answers: 1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane. 3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself. 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Jesse Livermore, also committed suicide. However: in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death. The Moral: Screw work, screw trading......... Play golf.
Cuddly Teddy Bears A woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in the bar of a highly regarded restaurant. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They go back to his apartment, and as he shows her around she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. Three wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds and hundreds of the little buggers...carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing this very un-macho display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf; medium-sized covering the entire length of the middle shelf; and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. Quite the display! She found it strange for a man (who was clearly straight) to have such a large collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention it out loud, being really quite impressed by his obvious sensitive side. All the while thinking to herself, "Oh goodness - Maybe this guy could be the one - maybe he could be the father of my children!" She turns to him. They kiss slowly... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot, steamy love. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this wonderful, sensitive guy -lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over towards him smiling sweetly. She strokes his chest and asks coyly, "So? How was it?" The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!" Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen." From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!" The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said - "I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"
James, Howell meant "funny" jokes....your priest joke wasn't funny, sorry. how about this joke: If Bush's voters have a lower IQ than Bush himself, imagine those who lost to Bush's voters !! Now "that's" funny...
Yes, your joke is funny indeed - you're totally clueless. Do I need to explain your joke to you? This one below is not really a joke, but it's pretty funny, and very good:
[/QUOTE] To moderator: If you're going to remove posts, please be thorough and remove the original offending ones as well. Otherwise the only fair thing to do is to keep both the offending posts and my replies to them. Thanks.