james_bond_3rd Registered: Aug 2005 Posts: 402 05-09-06 08:23 PM A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "About 150," and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "About 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, cars, beer, guns, and breasts. Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says... real slow like... "So..........ya......gonna......vote......for......Bush......again???"
I remembered that the joke had been posted previously and was obviously pointing that out. But I guess you two geniuses didn't get it.
Our Armed Forces By the time the Army officer pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you. "No problem." the tired man assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the Army officer came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the young man. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time." "How'd you manage that?" "Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek. Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS: 40-ish................................49. Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone. Athletic..............................No breasts. Average looking.................Moo Beautiful...........................Pathological liar. Emotionally Secure............On medication. Feminist............................Fat. Free spirit.........................Junkie. Friendship first..................Former slut. New-Age..........................Body hair in the wrong places. Old-fashioned....................No BJs. Open-minded....................Desperate. Outgoing...........................Loud and embarrassing. Professional......................Bitch. Voluptuous........................Very Fat. Large frame.......................Hugely Fat. Wants Soul mate.................Stalker. DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH: 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you. 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you. 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you. 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you. 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFzN-oD88w4&eurl= Great spoof of many a chat room high priced instructors.
WORLD WAR III IS COMING President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a Real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III." The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you, No one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims".
Do Republican Congressmen use bookmarks? No, they prefer to bend the page over. Alternative answer: No, they stick their fingers in the pages.
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls" THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just ! as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever ! asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,"Danny, are you SUR E you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh ! and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak :eek: