A Funny Oldie - Heaven and Hell One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate burning wasteland covered in fiery garbage and filth. She saw that her friends were barefoot, dressed in rags, picking up the garbage and putting it in bottomless sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, dear, today you're staff..."
Father : "I want you to marry a girl of my choice." Son : "I will choose my own bride!" Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter." Son : "Well, in that case...ok " Next Father approaches Bill Gates. Father : "I have a husband for your daughter. " Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry!" Father : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case...ok" Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank. Father : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice president." President: "But I already have more vice presidents than I need!" Father : "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law." President : "Ah, in that case...ok " This is how business is done!!
A Truly Irate Customer Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be killed, skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him quickly too, saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork and a knife. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork and a knife. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself like mad, deep, all over and shouts, "To hell with your stupid canoes!"
The What??? Luke Skywalker and ObiWan sit down to dinner. Within nanoseconds, Luke is devouring everything, as fast as he can. ObiWan waits a few seconds and then, in his very wise voice, whispers: "Use the fork, Luke, use the fooork!"
A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS VISITING THE HOSPITAL WHEN, DURING HER TOUR, SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS MASTURBATING. "OH MY GOD!" SCREAMED THE WOMAN. "THAT'S DISGRACEFUL, WHY IS HE DOING THAT?" THE DOCTOR THAT WAS LEADING THE TOUR EXPLAINED, "I AM VERY SORRY, BUT THIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE THE TESTICLES RAPIDLY FILL WITH SEMEN. IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, THEY'LL EXPLODE AND HE'LL DIE WITHIN MINUTES." "OH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK, "COMMENTED THE WOMAN. IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM THEY COULD SEE THAT A FEMALE NURSE WAS PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON A DIFFERENT MALE PATIENT. AGAIN THE WOMAN SCREAMED, "OH MY GOD! HOW CAN THAT BE JUSTIFIED?" THE DOCTOR REPLIED "SAME ILLNESS, BETTER HEALTH PLAN."
If You Get Caught Sleeping At Work: 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!" 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?" 4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken..." 2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk. 1. " ...... AMEN!"
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Athletes as Role (or Roll?) Models?? Any English or Literature Majors?? Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan'all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me." New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men He lets us wear earrings." Football commentator and former player Joe Theisman, 1996 : "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful) Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton " (This one is clever.) Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January) Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, "Coach, I don't know and I don't care." ( My favorite) Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye." (Dead man walkin' ) =
Robot Bartender A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', inter-stellar space travel', the latest medical breakthroughs, etc... The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini please." Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end. The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50". The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e... y-o-u-r... p-e-o-p-l-e... g-o-i-n-g... t-o... n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e... H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?????