Tough Year for us Golden Buffaloes. . . . Big 12 Quiz: (1) What does the average Texas player get on his SATs? Drool. (2) What do you get when you put 32 Baylor cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth. (3) How do you get a Iowa State cheerleader into your dorm room? Grease her hips and push. (4) How do you get a University of Oklahoma graduate off your porch? Pay him for the pizza. (5) How do you know if a Nebraska football player has a girlfriend? There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup (6) Why is the Colorado football team like a possum? Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road. (7) What are the longest three years of a University of Kansas football player's life? His freshman year. (8) How many Missouri freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? No Answer - That's a sophomore course. (9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco? Manhattan, Kansas. He knew that the police would never look at KSU for a Heisman Trophy winner. (10) Why did Oklahoma State choose orange as their team color? You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
18 yr boy has sex with 90 year old women.... next day boy dies,,, postmotem report: death due to drinking expired milk!!!!
Confession There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said," Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.â The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?â "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face!" CONFESSIONAL An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times. Priest: Are you sorry for your sins? Man: What sins? Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you? Man: I'm Jewish Priest: Why are you telling me all this? Man: I'm telling everybody! BROTHEL TRIP An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. âIâm 90 years old, " he says. â90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry, "says the old man, "How much do I owe you?â CALLER QUESTION The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, âDoctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?â The Doctor handily responded, âTo avoid criticism.â OLD FRED Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper , and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note , then dies The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away , so he places it in his jacket pocket . At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. âFred handed me a note just before he died, âhe says.â I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all. " Opening the note, he reads aloud, âMove!! You're standing on my oxygen hose! " BEAUTIFUL A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, âYouâre beautiful.â, then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, âYouâre cute!â The wife was disappointed because instead of beautiful, it was now cute. She said, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, âThe drugs are wearing off!â
A beautiful blond boards a Continental Airlines flight from LAX to IAH (Houston). During the flight she moves from her coach seat to first class. The flight attendant tells her "you can't sit up here your ticket is coach and this is 1st class". The blond replies "I'm beautiful, I'm blond, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here." The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot of the situation. The co-pilot goes to the blond and informs her that her ticket is booked in coach and she needs to move back to coach and she replies " I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here". The co-pilot returns and informs the captain that they need to have the police on hand when they arrive in Houston as this passenger will not listen to reason. The Pilot says wait...I speak "Blond" and goes to the passenger and whispers in her ear. She blushes, profusely apologizes and retreats to coach. The co-pilot and flight attendants are amazed and asked the pilot what he said.... ......I just told her First class WASN'T going to Houston.
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands, and as they walk the Iranian says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America. President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will." The Iranian whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scot, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek." President Bush chuckles, leans toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispers back, "It's because Star Trek takes place in the future."
BROOKLYN TONY: The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Brooklyn Tony. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is ' the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking." Brooklyn Tony ON MATH Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. The teacher asked ' How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me ' How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father. "That's what I said!" Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllabl e word?" TONY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful." Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." Brooklyn Tony On Etiquette: Brooklyn To ny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!" The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!" Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!' " Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench acro ss from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!!"
Preponderance of Pondering - No Puns: Here are a few things to think about that you probably have often wondered about: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can you cry under water? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does a round pizza come in a square box? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What disease did cured ham actually have? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did you just try singing the two songs above? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Three Oldies/Goodies A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, sh ows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90!!" A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explaine d "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
The Examination A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? "Breast-fed,"she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came!"
The Older Couple An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?"he asked. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked "Is that one word or two?"