I don't know much about Woodpeckers, so I don't have a clue as to what part of the country this picture of a GIANT Woodpecker was taken. But, as far as Woodpeckers, it's got to be the biggest on record!
Q. Why don't Italians like Jehovah Witnesses? A. We don't like any witnesses. Q. What does an Italian with one broken arm have? A. A speech impediment! An Italian with two broken arms is a mute. :eek:
The Golfer and the Dentist A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with It! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!" The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."
Installing a Red Neck Alarm System: HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines. 3 Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside
Blondes and Gators A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed." "In return for witnessing this Spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... "I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
Mark Twain Quotes A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before. Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's I mean. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge. Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable. Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place. I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it. I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way. I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't. I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting. I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.