Corporate Life #35 One CEO always scheduled staff meetings for 4:30 on Friday afternoons. One of the VPs finally got up the nerve to ask why, and the CEO explained, âIâll tell you its very simple â itâs the only time of the week when none of you seems to want to argue with me...â
Only Golfers would understand. . . A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. He doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?
Serious Sunburn Accident A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He is taken to the hospital by ambulance and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister and noting the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do for him now, Doctor?" "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
A guy goes to the hospital to see his new baby for the first time. As he approaches the maternity ward the doctor approaches him and says " Sir, you've had a baby boy" The Guy gets really excited and demands to see his new son. The Dr. says" well he's right over here but there is something you need to know...your so is very special...HE CAN FLY" The guy can't believe it but the Doctor proceeds to pick up his son and holds him over his head and says " Now watch as he flies...He lets go of the baby and he comes crashing to the ground..The Father starts cursing at the Dr. but the Dr. says "hold on he was flying earlier...watch"...with that the Dr. takes the baby and throws him 30 feet across the room and the baby splats into the the wall....Now the father is trying to kill the Dr. but the Dr. says " wait, wait, I know what it is..." and with that the Dr. opens the window on the 7th floor and throws the baby out the window.....the baby splats to the pavement in a pool of blood....The Father starts to attack the Dr. and is strangling him on the floor when the dr. says...."enough already, I was only messing with you, your baby was born dead"
Smart Word Plays Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. The 2005 winners are: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2. Ignoranus: (n.): A person who's both stupid and an asshole. 3. Intaxication: (n.): Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: (v.): Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7. Giraffiti: (n.) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. (Closely related to numbers "2" and "5".) 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. (This Post column has always been big on coffee.) 10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer. (My sister-in-law Trish in Philly must have submitted this one!) 13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you 14. Glibido: All talk and no action. 15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Smart Word Plays Cont'd The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are: 1. Coffee: (n.): the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. Abdicate: (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade: (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-Nill: (adj.): impotent. 6. Negligent: (adj.): absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. 7. Lymph: (v.): to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle: (n.): olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence: (n. ): emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash: (n.): a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle: (n.): a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude: (n.): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. (This Post column has also been big on protocology, must be the Capitol Hill influence.) 13. Pokemon: (n.): a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism: (n.): the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent: (n.): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.