On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me.One for you, one for me.." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
Sorry. . . .It's PGA Championship Week!! A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered" ------------------------------------------------------ A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray" The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down." ---------------------------------------------------- Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St.Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?" To which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"? He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
Sounds like a government job to me! A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years". The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?â The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy, "OK. I can hire you right now. The Hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM.?" "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that."
This is a true story. We have a regular group of golfers that tee off early on Sat. One morning, one of the golfers asked his wife, "Well, honey, what's it gonna be? The golf course or intercource? Her answer; "Don't forget your clubs".
Symbolism The Indian chief introduced his wife to a newspaper reporter. The reporter asked her name. The chief replied, "Three Horse." "That's a picturesque name," said the reporter. "Does it have a deep symbolism?" "Yes," the chief replied. "Nag, nag, nag!"
Young, attractive, buxom blonde along with a Texas Oil Man were waiting to board the Rental Car bus at the airport. As the bus stopped and it was the Blonde's turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was way too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the 1st step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and yet again was unable to take the step. About this time, the big Texan who was standing behind her picked her up by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled, tipped his hat, and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was pretty good friends."
Is you Democrat, Republican or Texan??? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist (Muslim Fascist?) with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at your children. You are carrying a Glock 40 caliber, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches your family. What do you do? ................................................................ Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it with a Democratically approved gun lock? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. ............................................................... Republican's Answer: BANG! BANG! ................................................................ Texan's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.....(Sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?" Son: "Can I shoot the next one!" Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"
Subject: Honest Answer!!! In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" "About 60 years" "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."
Fishing In The Park Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch. A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he new the other two. âOh yesâ he said. âThey âre my friends.â âIn that case,â warned the officer, âyouâd better get them out of here!â âYes, sirâ the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.