Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No. That jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No " "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver!" :eek:
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says:"Here. Rub it." So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!" The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." "Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the horses lined up for the 5th race, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants--you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
Three couples die and go to Heaven where they meet St. Peter. St. Peter looks at the first man and says: "We can't let you into Heaven because you have money on your mind. You married a woman named "Penny." St. Peter looks at the second man and says: "We can't let you into Heaven either because you have drinking on your mind. You married a woman named "Sherry." The third man quickly turns to his wife and says: "Come on, "Fanny", lets get out of here." -1bigsteve (o:
Socially Significant Scientific Breakthrough Great news A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough, since Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
A man walking along a beach discovers an old lamp. He rubs it and out pops a Genie. The Genie says to the man: "I will grant you three wishes. But, whatever you wish for I will give your wife twice as much." The man thinks and says: "I want a huge mansion on a hill top." The Genie says: "Your wish is my command. You now have a huge mansion on a hill top. But, I grant your wife two huge houses." The man thinks again and says: "I want a hundred million dollars." The Genie says: "Your wish is my command. You now have a hundred million dollars. But, I grant your wife two hundred million dollars." The Genie says to the man: "OK, you have only one more wish remaining. Make the best of it." The man thinks about it and finally says: "I want you to beat me half to death." -1bigsteve (o:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and arrived in Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address. Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston... a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Date: Friday, October 13, 2005 Subject: I have Arrived! Dearest Love: I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. PS ...... Sure is freaking hot down here
We've all heard about Idiots & Morons. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.... IDIOT: arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by the wife with a broom, and asking: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" MORON: home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on the collar, slapping the wife on the ass and saying: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.