Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter." *************** Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese. *************** Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours. ***************** A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first." **************** A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames." **************** A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "That's ! a thermos . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold." "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it! "So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked. "Why, that's a thermos . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee". ****************** A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" ****************** This has to be one of the best blonde jokes around. This should make all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD: A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..." "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?" :eek:
This Should Explain It All... A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were! getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in ALASKA California Coastal Florida Coastal Louisiana Kansas Oklahoma Pennsylvania and Texas ~~~ ~~~ Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC Any Questions?
WOMEN'S HUMOR One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, AUBURN UNIVERSITY." And they say blondes are dumb... ____________________________________________________ A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you..." ____________________________________________________ "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. ____________________________________________________ He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded. ____________________________________________________ He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and surf the channels on TV. ____________________________________________________ He said -What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror ____________________________________________________ Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor ____________________________________________________ A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. >Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! ____________________________________________________ AND THE BEST ONE YET... A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton ____________________________________________________ A PRAYER.... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
Saturday Night Live skit about "straight talking brokers" - you've probably seen it, but pretty funny. Don
This is not a joke (I dont' think). I just received an invitation to the "Real World" suite at the Palms hotel here in Vegas...for a press conference about a special entrant in the World Series of Poker...I'll probably go. News Release: PokerShare.com Sponsors Mikey The Chimp At The WSOP For more information on Mikey and to track his progress at the WSOP, please go to: http://www.monkeyshare.net/Home.aspx. Mikey will be available for interviews and photos. Now if we can just get Mike Matusow to play him heads up, LOL. All the best, Don
Sorry the SNL skit didn't link...I'll try this...you guys may have seen it already..... http://www.garypaulson.net/archives/straight-talk-about-todays-stock-market-snl-skit/ Straight talking brokers...yeah, right! Don
Yikes, looks like Scotty's been having a wee bit o' trouble <A href="http://news.yahoo.com/photo/060721/photos_us_rank_afp/246a46a43f82cace98034f25f8cc04f7">with that transporter again</a>.