Ms. American Spy (Sung to the tune of Don McLean's American Pie) A short, short time ago I can still remember How the "Plame Game" used to make me smile And as I read those D-Kos rants I got a big bulge in my pants And thought maybe we'd get "Chimpy" for awhile But then June 12th made me shiver Fate became an "Indian Giver" Bad news on the Internet Precisely what I had fret! <A HREF="http://intherightplace.blogspot.com/2006/06/ms-american-spy.html">Continued</a>
Yes, It's Another Blonde Joke A man entered the clubhouse at the golf course with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's nothing... just golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are debating the nature of true happiness. "I say," says the Englishman, "true happiness is having a pint down at the pub with your mates after your football club's won a match." "No," says the Frenchman. "True happiness is a fine wine and a beautiful woman." "You two don't know the meaning of happiness," says the Russian. "Happiness is sitting in on a threadbare couch in your tiny apartment, when all of a sudden the door bursts open and several men in dark suits charge in with guns, and one of them says to to, 'Comrade Mikhail Ivanovich?' and you say, 'No, he's in the apartment upstairs.'"
A Soviet guy was complaining that his wife couldn't sew at all. His friend said, "You work at a sewing machine factory. What you should do is take one part home a day and soon you will be able to build a sewing machine." The first guy replied, "I did that three times but I keep putting them together wrong and getting a machine gun."
A wife sends her husband to the bread lines to get some bread. The husband gets to the line. The line doesn't move for three hours. Not one foot forward. The husband freaks out and screams, "What, have we run out of bread in this country?!" Instantly a man in black trench coat and black hat appears and says with a silky voice, "Comrad, please, do you need help? I think the sun has fried your nerves. Of course there's bread in this country, but we all need to be patient. We'll get our bread." The husband appologizes and says, "Yes, of course, forgive me comrads, I lost my head." The man in black walks off, and the husband waits for another three hours before giving up and going home. At home he tells his wife about the line not moving. The wife screams, "What, have we run out of bread in this country?!" The husband answers, "That's nothing. We've run out of bullets!"
What happened when the Communists took over the Sahara Desert? Nothing for three years, then a shortage of sand.
Blonde Tale: Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. But now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, and I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died." "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?" "Si, that's the one." "Darn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating the rotten meat." "Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, senor. He ate the meat of the dead caballo." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky." "Mr. Lucky! My horse that won the Preakness a few years back?" "Si." "How did he die?" "He died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your hacienda! A candle fell, and the curtains caught on fire." "What!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral." "FUNERAL? WHAT FUNERAL?!" "Your mother-in-law's. She showed up one night out of the blue, and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver." *SILENCE* "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're fired!"
Man Rules 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". (e) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... And it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: I.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story. 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. 20: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below: "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?" "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!" We hope this clears up any confusion,