An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" "I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake..."
Here are some conversations, from Microsoft, which had actually taken place between help desk people and their customers: Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What does it say?" Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk." Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?" Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside." --------------------------------- Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours." Customer: "Is that Eastern time?" --------------------------------- Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button." Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse." --------------------------------- Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote'click'." --------------------------------- Customer: "I received the software update you sent,but I am still getting the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the update?" Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?" --------------------------------- Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word." Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done." Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says." Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk." Customer: "What?" Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" Customer "No..." --------------------------------- Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?" Tech Support: ?@#$ --------------------------------- Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" --------------------------------- Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?" Customer: "A white one." --------------------------------- Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt." Customer: "How do you spell that?" --------------------------------- Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?" Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service) Tech Support: "Well then we can't-" Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'." Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-" Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through." Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me." Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later." --------------------------------- Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?" Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store." --------------------------------- Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?" Customer: "Pentium." --------------------------------- Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion." --------------------------------- Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder." --------------------------------- Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?" --------------------------------- Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?" Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?" --------------------------------- Customer: "I have a long distance modem." -------------------------------- Customer: "I don't have a space bar -------------------------------
Am I the only one who noticed that the Lone Ranger and Tonto never did any laundry? If you hit a cat with a hammer, it blinks.
News in PHYSICS - New Element discovered A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element tentatively has been named "Corporatium". Corporatium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force created by the exchange of particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Corporatium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Corporatium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Corporatium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Corporatium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Corporatium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it...