Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
A guy and his buddy are getting trashed in a bar when the guy pukes on himself. he gets all upset and explains to his buddy that the last time he went out drinking he puked on himself and his wife got really mad at him. "no problem" says the buddy "take a 20 dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket and tell your wife somebody you didn't know puked on you and gave you 20 dollars for the cleaning." the two of them proceed to get drunker. when the guy goes home his wife is, as expected, upset. "you barfed all over yourself!" said the wife. "no i have not, some guy puked on me and gave me 20 dollars to clean my shirt! and its right here in my pocket!" the wife puts her hand in the guys shirt pocket and pulls out two 20 dollar bills. "hey, you have 40 dollars in your shirt pocket?!?! says the wife "yeah, he crapped my pants too!"
If CNN anchorman Wolf Blitzer and CNN weatherman Reynolds Wolf were both gay and got married, Blitzer's new name would be Wolf Wolf.
Matter Of Perspective A man taking a woman home after their first date asks if he can come inside of a cup of coffee. âOh, no,â she says, âI never ask a guy in on the first date.â âOkay,â the man replies, âhow about the last date?â
Making A Point When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the side walk." (PS. The doctors say I will eventually walk again, but I will always have a limp...)
Fun With Love and Marriage Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent. A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine." The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done. A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death." A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Cosmetics: A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the lines. Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man! First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring wedding ring suffering