Obviously A vacationer telephones a seaside hotel to ask where it was. âItâs only a stoneâs throw from the beach,â he was told. âHow will I recognize it?â asked the man. âWell, itâs the one with all the broken windows...â came the reply.
Random Thoughts and Ramblings: FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY 1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET. 2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT. 3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS. 4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY. 5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT. 6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME. 7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE. 8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET. 9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE. 10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST. 11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM. 12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE. 13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL. 14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE. 15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK. 16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY. 17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES. 18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE! 19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW. 20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT! 21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS. 22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND. 23. OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK? 24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK? 25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING. 26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE. 27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW. 28 EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM. 29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS? 30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES? 31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES. 32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE? 33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT. 34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER. 35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME? 36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED. 37. JUST REMEMBER, IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF. 38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.
Honesty is the Best Policy? Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they encountered a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."
Great Combination A man graduated from veterinary school then took a course in taxidermy. He now has a sign in his Doctor's office that reads, "Veterinarian & Taxidermist - Either way you get your pet back!"
Obvious Observation: Ted Nugent, avid hunter and world famous rock-n-roll guitar player, was being interviewed by a British journalist. The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the mind of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?` or is it `Are you the one who killed my brother?'" Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they think about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French in that way."
Not your typical Blonde Joke: A lawyer and a blonde happen to be sitting next to each other on a long cross-country flight. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. Now this blonde happens to be highly intelligent, but she is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa. Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: Okay, how about this: if you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. What's the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes back down with four? The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his colleagues and friends, trying to get some help. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, is going nuts trying to figure it out. He wakes the blonde again and asks: Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down with four? The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Can this country be saved?? Subject: Canada has a southern border problem too The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The unflinching arrogance of the Bush Administration is prompting the exodus among liberal citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. I Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay." In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So, he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk" Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot ofthese people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a pleasant little Napa Valley cabernet, though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR. Liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said. Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?" In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And, we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."