GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION: 1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet. 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" You're fit to be framed, you're so gay. 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag. 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases. 5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard, strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had Nutra Sweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too. 6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, College ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious. 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat. 8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too.
9. Taking an OL self-examination quiz to see if you are gay. If you are reading this to determine if you are a flamer, worry no more and grab your ankles.
A newspaper sent a secretive investigative team to a local high school to find out why test scores have been dropping. <IMG SRC=http://www.elitetrader.com/vb/attachment.php?s=&postid=1113875>
Groaners and Much Worst. . . . . This year's 10 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest,(aka "Dark and Stormy Night Contest") run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel: 10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it." 9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens." 8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description." 7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'" 6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved." 5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeeking out a living at a local pet store." 4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do." 3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor." 2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies." AND THE WINNER IS... "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!" GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee) "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson "He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." --- Thomas Brackett Reed "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --- Forrest Tucker "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --- Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --- Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." Oscar Wilde "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder And my personal favorite in the famous last words category, reportedly spoken by Oscar Wilde as his friends and family gathered round his hospice death bed: "Either this wallpaper goes, or I go!!" "I'm not young enough to know everything." Oscar Wilde
Ten Things You Can Do To Save The Planet An Iowahawk Action Alert-o-Gram⢠by David Burge Nearly ten years after the Kyoto accords, our planet continues to careen helplessly toward certain environmental destruction. The skies are choked with pollutants. Polar bears are plunging through the thinning ice caps. Ben Affleck is still having problems finding a decent comeback project. Thankfully, with the new release of Al Gore's blockbuster eco-documentary "An Inconvenient Truth," the world is finally heeding the disaster looming on the horizon. But mere consciousness is not enough to cure our current climate ills - it takes action. Here are a few simple things you to put the planet on the road to recovery. 1. Turn off faucets when not in use. While a single dripping faucet may not seem to be much of an environmental hazzard, the numbers really begin to add up when you're hosting a Sierra Club fundraising party for Laurie David and all 10 of your bathrooms are in use. Have your domestic staff check to make sure that electonic sink sensors are working properly, and use other water conservation methods such as installing low-flow bidets. Remember to remind your guests: "If it's yellow, let it mellow." 2. Upgrade to a new Gulfstream G550. Next time you take off for Cannes or Sundance or that big Environmental Defense Fund gala, stop and think how much fuel that clunky old G450 is using. Not only does the new G550 have 10.8% better fuel efficiency, it's quieter, has real burled walnut, and with a maximum cruising speed of Mach 0.885 you'll never be late for the Palm d'Or ceremony! 3. Crush a Third World economic development movement. One of the most pressing threats facing our environment is rising incomes in Africa, Asia, and Latin America. Only a generation ago, these proud dark people were happily frolicking in the rain forest, foraging for organic foods amid the wonders of nature. Now, corrupted by wealth, they are demanding environmentally hazardous consumer goods like cars and air conditioning and malaria medicine. You can do your part to stop this dangerous consumer trend by supporting environmentally aware leaders like Robert Mugabe and Fidel Castro to foster an economy of sustainable low-impact ecolabor camps. <A href="http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2006/05/ten_things_you_.html">Continued</a>. . .
Read this 3 times, see if you get it... <img src=http://www.elitetrader.com/vb/attachment.php?s=&postid=1114631>