Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London, one took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke '. 'Don't get up said the American, I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on?" "This fighting between our nations?" "This hatred?" "This animosity?" "This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
Subject: DOCTOR AND NURSE A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Germany and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied " Just send me a postcard and write *sauerkraut* on the back." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack and died. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut - Two with wieners, two without".
Men Are Happier Simple minds (Doesn't take much to please us!) Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.
Judy, a professional genealogy researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889." Judy emailed Hillary Clinton @NY.Gov for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjustors cropped Remus's picture, scanned it, enlarged the image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows: "Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/49182/print/ NSA Wiretap Reveals Subject May Be Paying Too Much For Long-Distance June 6, 2006 | Issue 42â¢23 FORT MEADE, MDâThe director of the National Security Agency announced at a press conference Tuesday that the ongoing phone surveillance of Cincinnati resident Greg Wyckham has yielded "overwhelming and incontrovertible" evidence that the 37-year-old high-school teacher and married father of three is wasting money on a long-distance plan that does not suit his calling needs. NSA headquarters NSA headquarters According to Lt. Gen. Keith B. Alexander, Wyckham, who caught the attention of authorities in July 2004 when he placed a call to his first wife, has spent an average of $75 a month on long distance, "when he could have been saving as much as $30 per billing period." Alexander cited additional examples of Wyckham's reckless long-distance use, which included a late-afternoon call to his mother in Colorado last spring and several March 2005 calls to old college friends to plan a summer mini-reunion. In January, a lengthy conversation with his cousin in California cost nearly $10. "We have stacks of logs showing phone calls placed on weekdays before 9 p.m., as well as calls made with flagrant disregard for the per-minute rate," Alexander said. "In addition, not once did Mr. Wyckham ask his out-of-state friends and family members with the same long-distance carrier to join him in a money-saving service plan." Added Alexander: "Bear in mind that this is a man who earns only $43,220 a year. With both a Dodge minivan in desperate need of repair and the upcoming vasectomy to pay for, he should be more concerned about these expenses." NSA analyst Lawrence Reinhard, who headed the team conducting the wiretapping, said Wyckham has several cost-cutting plans to choose from. "If Mr. Wyckham switched to a residential unlimited plan, such as the AT&T Unlimited Plus Plan, he'd be able to make all his long-distance calls for one low monthly fee of just $29.95," Reinhard said. "He'd be able to take $20 off his bill in calls to his ex-girlfriend in Washington, DC alone." 2-NSA-Wiretap-Man-C.jpg Reinhard also recommended that Wyckham consider switching his long-distance service over to Verizon, his cellular phone carrier. "In addition to their competitive rates, Verizon is now offering a special discount on long-distance night and weekend calls to their cell-phone subscribers," Reinhard said. "But only for a limited time." Although the Wyckham eavesdropping was a closely guarded operation, Alexander revealed that the NSA considered asking the CIA and British intelligence to directly intervene in April after Wyckham accepted a collect call from his 16-year-old son Jeremy, studying in London as part of a foreign-exchange program. "The collect call concerned us," Alexander said. "There is no reason why an American traveling abroad should not be equipped with an international calling card, which can be purchased cheaply in corner stores everywhere." Added Alexander: "If Wyckham simply joined the Family Share Plan, he would not only save money himself, but also for his wife Shelly, Jeremy, the twins, Ashley and Courtney, and, if he were reasonably discreet, teacher's aide Janet Molina, with whom he's having an extramarital affair." Alexander said it is difficult for the NSA to keep its operations secret when Wyckham and other Americans do not take advantage of potentially enormous savings with a good long-distance plan. "With companies like Skype and Vonage providing inexpensive Internet phone service, high long-distance bills are a senseless waste," Alexander said. "Sometimes an agent wishes he could physically emerge from the phone receiver and shake some sense into these citizens, but that technology is at least 10 years away." © Copyright 2006, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved. The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
Subject: Pun Intended 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!". 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Subject: Thoughtful Dentist A man goes to a dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!" The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection", the patient says, "I am fine with pills". The dentist left for a moment and when he returned, says "Here is a Viagra tablet." The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!" "It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."