Subject: Fwd: Mother Superior > >Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I >must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." > >"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of >chardonnay."
Subject: Old Man I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
THE BLUE ANGELS! This footage of a flight rookie ' along for a flight' is hailiarious! http://alt.coxnewsweb.com/ajc/swf/blueangels/blueangels_lite.swf
Amusing metaphors from student essays Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners..... 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an erie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. 18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Don't look now, but the Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition (Muslim Version) is days away from the newstands. Here's a shot of the covergirl: <IMG SRC=http://www.elitetrader.com/vb/attachment.php?s=&postid=1098860>
Ah Hua went for a job interview to be a secretary. When the manager saw Ah Hua's colorful attire and gold, white-highlighted hair, his mind is screaming, "NOT THIS WOMAN!!!". Nevertheless, he still had to entertain Ah Hua. So he told Ah Hua,"If you could form a sentence using the words that I give u, then maybe I will give u a chance! The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK." Ah Hua thought for a while and said,"I hear the phone GREEN, GREEN, GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW.....BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiyah, wrong numberlah.....Don't PURPLEly disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok? Kum Siah." The manager fainted....
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
2008 Summer Olympics Presidente Vincente Fox just announced that Mexico will not participate in the 2008 Summer Olympics. It seems that everyone who could run, jump, or swim...has already left the country.
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You jerk! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Shit . . . it's started"