Win/Win/Win On Immigration One of the better ideas I have heard on the subject: Dig a moat along the length of the Mexican border, use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans and put the Florida alligators into the moat!
Good Days to Have Sex A recent study found out that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter " T." For example: Tuesday Thursday Thaturday Thunday Thanksgiving Tomorrow and (of course) Today
Uneventful Night At The Movies "You are blocking the way, sir, said the usher to a man sprawled in the aisle of a theater. Please get up!" The man didn't move or reply. The usher called the manager over, who said, "I must ask you to move." Still the prone man didn't reply. So the manager called the police. Get up or I'll have to take you in," the officer said. "Where did you come from anyway?" The man finally stirred and whispered, "the balcony..."
Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway, and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?" Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed, and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole -- it holds very difficult memories for me." One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?" Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack -- right at this very hole!" "Oh no!" the other golfers said. "That must have been horrible!" "Horrible? You think it's horrible?" Bob cried in disbelief. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was... hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."
When quants go hunting! An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose 150 meters away. The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed that the bullet landed 3 meters to the right of the moose. The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze that the engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired. The bullet landed 3 meters to the left of the moose. The statistician jumped up and down screaming, "We got him! We got him!"
Subject: Bin Laden arrives in Heaven When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!" James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled,"It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence." The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader. As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me." The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
Defense Attorney: Why not? Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little bastard!
A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."