Subject: Thoughts for 2006 Number 9 - Life is sexually transmitted. Number 8 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 7 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 6 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents? Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration and the Department of Homeland Security in charge of agriculture.
Performance Enhancing Opportunities In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.... Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line.
The Worst that could Happen?? A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP. THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED. IT WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD." WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS: DEAR DAD: IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU. I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCINGS, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION, DAD - SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA ASSURES ME THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY. EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER SINCE SHE IS SO MUCH OLDER THAN I AM, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO. BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE NEED. IN THE MEANTIME, WE PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO THAT BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!! DON'T WORRY, DAD, I'M 15-YEARS-OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN. YOUR SON, JOHN P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT BILLY'S HOUSE. I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD WHICH IS IN MY BEDROOM DESK DRAWER. I LOVE YOU! PPS: CALL ME WHEN IT'S SAFE TO COME HOME
Pope dies and wakes up in Hell "Where am I! What am I doing here! This looks like hell!" "Sure is." "But I'm the Pope!" "Yes and this is where you belong. You caused much suffering in the world. God WANTS birth control, that's why he invented rubbers." "But ... but ..." "Enough talk. Get to suffering. Here in hell you are going to have to care for some of the millions of denizens who would not have been born into unhappy lives had you not continued your retrograde campaign against birth control. PLUS - " "Plus what?" "You're going to be sodomized daily by all those denizens of hell who were molested by Priests while you sat and ignored the problem! Pucker up, Pope John Paul!" "Ah, well, at least there's that".
Q) Why do women have smaller feet than men? A) So they can stand closer to the sink. Q) How do you fix a woman's watch? A) You don't... there's a clock on the oven. Q) Why do men pass gas more than women? A) Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure. Q) If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? A) The dog... he'll shut up after you let him in! Q) How many men does it take to open a beer? A) None. It should be open when she brings it.
Difference between Guts and Balls We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below. GUTS - is arriving home late from the Christmas party, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home from the Christmas party, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
A Great Rhyme A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farm since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores back in the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this! She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $10,000, even though we will not be able to use it..." Here is her entry: