Universal Laws of the Obvious: 1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. 2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. 5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time). 7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. 12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug. 15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. 16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. 19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Latest Scientific Development A British company is developing computer chips that store and play music in women's breast implants. A company spokesperson declared this a major breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts without ever listening to them.
Sleeping Beauty After a night of drinking, Jack crept into bed beside his wife Ann who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Jack, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom. And I'm St. Peter." Jack was stunned, "You mean I'm dead! That can't be! I have so much left to do. I haven't even had a chance to say goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back right away." St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch--we can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Jack was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his ho use he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later and he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad," replies Jack, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never," replied Jack. "Well just relax and let it happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds an egg popped out. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced moth erhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him! The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Jack, wake up you drunken bastard! You're shitting all over the bed!!"
POLITCAL CORRECTNESS?? "Mike, If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?" the teacher asked. "Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said. The teacher replied,"That would be rude and impolite. What about you Johnny, how would you say it? "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." The teacher responded,"That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table. And you Bobby, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show Mike and Johnny; your good manners?" "I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet, and have a good time with, after dinner!'"
*Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."* *"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."*
Five Kinds of Sex Recent research shows that there are 5 kinds of sex: The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you have sex until you are both blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "Screw You". The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. Ooops.. Don't forget Social Security Sex! You get a little each month.. But not enough to live on.
A Trader and His Money A successful trader parked his brand-new Porsche in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driverâs side. The trader immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the trader started screaming hysterically. His Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined. When the trader finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. âI can not believe how materialistic you traders are,â the cop said. âYou are so focused on your possessions that you donât notice anything else.â âHow can you say such a thing?â asked the trader. The cop replied, âDonât you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.â âMy God!â screamed the trader. âMy Rolex!â
Circumcised A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Golf and Honeymoon Pain A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Screaming in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The doctor told him, "Your testicles are fine, but I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together, an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the hotel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. She said, "You're the first, no one has ever seen or touched these breasts." Next she takes off her panties and says, "you're the first, no one has ever touched me here." Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies . . . . . . . "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE."