Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. An attractive blonde from St John's, Newfoundland arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
For Better Or Worse Marriage is like a railroad sign: first you stop, then you look, and then you listen. And yet, despite all precautions, some of us get transfixed and carried away, or run over...
ALASKAN HUMOR A day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers on the porch. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper. "Well tell me now! Did you find her?" Wilkins shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkins. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had twelve 25-pound king crabs and six good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her body." Stunned, Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The trooper replied, "We're pulling her up again tomorow." :eek:
From:Subject: POLICE HUMOR POLICE HUMOR - WYOMING STATE POLICE - GOTTA LOVE 'EM!!!!! In most of the northern states, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to the single digits or below. About 3 a.m. one very cold morning in march 2004, a state police officer responded to a call: there was a car off the shoulder of the road on the outskirts of Casper. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the officer walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him. The driver came awake when the officer tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the state policeman standing next to his car, the man panicked, jerked the gearshift into "drive" and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. The policeman, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary, car. The driver was totally freaked thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds when the patrolman yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over!" the man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from Casper was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state patrolman who could run 50 miles per hour. Who says policemen don't have a sense of humor?
Policemen can be funny.... **** I am driving behind a police car.... We have to stop.... I notice something peculiar....something irregular. There is a teddy bear in the back of the police car, against the windshield ...... I thought...damm ! This guy is funny... We drive on.... Then we have to stop again and I notice that the teddy bear wasn't a bear but a pig, that looked like a teddy bear....
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?" The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer"? "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Tried and True - Blonde Joke Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."