Jokes

Lucky Fish

Mary: "Don't tell me you believe your husband's story that he spent the day fishing. Why, he didn't come home with a single fish!"
Jane: "That's exactly why I believe him..."

 

HOSPITALITY TEXAS STYLE

Dallas: "Tower to Saudi Air 091101 - You are cleared to land southbound on runway 180R."
Saudi Air: "Dallas ATC, 091101 cleared to 180R. Allah be Praised!"

Dallas: "Tower to Iran Air 091103 - You are cleared to land northbound on runway 360L."
Iran Air: "Dallas ATC, 091103 cleared to 360L. May Allah Bless you."

Dallas Ground: "Ground to Yemen Air 091105--You are cleared to cross the parallel."
Yemen Air: "Ground, 091105 cleared to cross at the mid-section. Paradise awaits Allah's servants"

Dallas: "Tower to Egypt Air 091102 - You are cleared to land southbound on runway 180R."
Egypt Air: "Dallas ATC, 091102 cleared to 180R. Allah is Great."

Dallas: "Tower to Syria Air 091104 - You are cleared to land northbound on runway 360L."
Syria Air: "Dallas ATC, 091104 cleared to 360L. Allah is the one true God."

Pause: Static..............???%%%****$$$$....

Saudi Air: "DALLAS TOWER!!! DALLAS TOWER!!!"
Dallas: "Go ahead 091101; what's your problem?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED ALL THESE AIRCRAFT TO THE SAME RUNWAY AS OURS!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!

Dallas: Yeah... Well, y'all be careful now---ya hear?"

 

Only the Cubs. . . .


Happy Hump Day! You should enjoy this as the first day that looks like "Spring for more than 3 hours" is suppose to happen in Chicago today. And it's almost Baseball's Opening Day--a national holiday in our house.

GO CARDINALS ! (I am about to unfurl my new Cards banner on the front lawn flagpole for opening day). I am always open to present anything that bashes the Cubs (wearing my "Stan the Man" jersey at Wrigley last year, I was called a "________ CHOOCH" by a drunken disgruntled Cubs fan right after the Cards whooped up on 'em).


So, without further adieu:

Twenty major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship (1908):

1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.

2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.

3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team
lose to more clubs.

4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.

5. Haley's comet passed Earth twice.

6. Harry Caray was born....and died. Incredible, but true.

7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won
championships in each league.

8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.

9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.

10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.

11. Prohibition was created and repealed.

12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.

13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the
National League.

14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the
team's future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down. (this one is my personal favorite)

15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.

16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several
thanked Cubs pitchers.

17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.

18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks, and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.

19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the
majority of them.

20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.
_____

Great quotes in Cubs History!!!

"Noise pollution can't be that much of a problem [at Wrigley]. There's nothing to cheer about."--State rep. John F. Dunn, arguing for the installation of lights at Wrigley Field

"If I managed the Cubs, I'd be an alcoholic."--Whitey Herzog, former World Series winning Cards mgr.

"There's nothing wrong with this team that more pitching, more
fielding and more hitting couldn't help."--Bill Buckner

"You get tired of looking at garbage in your own backyard."--Cubs manager Lee Elia in 1983 about why the Cubs got rid of so many players. Elia was fired later that same season.

"The Cubs were taking batting practice, and the pitching machine threw a no-hitter."--Radio deejay

"The only bad thing about being released by the Cubs is that they made me keep my season tickets."--Ken Rietz, ex-Cub third baseman

"Would the lady who left her nine kids at Wrigley Field please pick
them up immediately? They are beating the Cubs 4-0 in the 7th
inning."--Radio deejay


"One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth."--Joe Garagiola

"The Chicago Cubs are like Rush Street--a lot of singles, but no
action."--Garagiola again

Q: Did you hear about the new Cubs soup?

A: Two sips and then you choke.

 

Good one howell...Just finished watching the Whitesox receive their World Series rings

 

Subject: Einstein's birthday (a few days late):

This month is the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday. He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

It was called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty

 

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says,"I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 140 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

 

Nice... brings to mind this [genuine] article:

Einstein, Feynman and other famous swingers.
http://www.seedmagazine.com/news/2006/03/getting_physical.php

Late last year, researchers in England published a study purporting to establish a link between creative output and number of sexual partners. As the lead author (under)stated, “Creative people are often considered to be very attractive and get lots of attention as a result.”

The theoretical physicists of the 20th century were no exception. Promiscuous chasers by profession, physicists ever-pursue objects that lie partially hidden to the immediate senses, but are evidently there behind nature’s many layers. The best physicists are able to tease a peek beneath all that partially-covered exterior, as any pickup artist would: with a mix of cleverness and straightforward arrogance. This is hardly just simple metaphor; for many of the greatest physicists, this libertine modus operandi also fueled their private lives.

Schrödinger, Curie, Einstein, Feynman, Oppenheimer…the finest names of pre-Cold War 20th-century physics, some of whom gave us the most concise theories ever posited, form a roster of lamentable philanderers. Albert Einstein was completely “given to flirtation” and had legions of affairs. Caltech professor and bestselling raconteur Richard Feynman was probably the only Nobel Prize winner to befriend porn stars, claim a foolproof manner for bedding women and do his calculations on napkins in strip clubs. And it wasn’t just the guys: Marie Curie was relentlessly hounded by the press for seducing away her late-husband’s former student from his wife and kids.

“Libertines, both male and female, have always been around in math and physics,” says Jennifer Ouellette, who writes on physics history and is associate editor of the American Physical Society’s newsletter. Yet today, while physicists still spend day and night chasing nature, the era of chasing skirts — or knickers—seems to have passed. Where have all the physics playb—er, sociable persons gone?

Between the world wars, physicists hunted the big ideas and had the big personalities—and sex drives—to match. They worked and played under a unique confluence of circumstance. The sexual norms of the time, their status, the sexiness of their projects and achievements all conspired to make the top physicists supremely desirable.

The most shameless cad of the group was Richard Feynman. When he once nearly crashed his car while eyeing a passing beauty, his only excuse was, “I only see the women, the rest is all a blur.” He even kept a picture in his office of one acquaintance, buxom adult film star Candi Samples, signed, “To Big Dick, Love from Candi.”

Remarkably, some physicists’ trysts seem to have actually led to physical insight: While once floundering on a problem, Erwin Schrödinger shacked up in an alpine villa for an extended holiday with “an old girlfriend” and, in the “late erotic outburst” that followed, produced the eponymous equation that would net him the Nobel.

At the atomic bomb project in Los Alamos, the assembled brain trust was as hard-partying as a troop of college kids on spring break. Weekends with the physicists were “big and brassy,” replete with poker and booze. They played so hard that the program tried to quarantine the women’s dorms; as one boss euphemized, “The girls had been doing a flourishing business of requiting the needs of our young men.” So many babies resulted that Robert Oppenheimer (or his boss, nobody’s really sure), himself having tried to run off with the wife of Linus Pauling and bed the wife of another colleague, was told to halt the extracurricular activities. (Oppenheimer didn’t.)

So what’s happened since? Not to bemoan the loss of machismo, but today’s physicists seem to lack that same rat-pack panache that old-school physicists brought to the blackboard. Considering the unparalleled prestige that the Atomic Era physicists enjoyed, it’s hardly astonishing that sexual power plays —like those that often transpire between an executive and assistant, or even a president and an intern —could have resulted. And though modern theoreticians still pursue big ideas, their intellectual forebears revealed so many of nature’s broad physical features that, now, only the finer areas are left to explore.

Ouellette points to another possible explanation: “This stuff still goes on, we just don’t hear about it. The history books on the great physics personalities of the late 20th century have yet to be written.” She points to a famous professor whom “everyone knows ditched” one woman for another: “it’s gossiped about, but you never read about it [because] the science is what really matters.” There’s also Stephen Hawking, whose affair was detailed in the British tabloid. Perhaps there are others.

And perhaps, with the new Large Hadron Collider ready to go online next year—if physics is now “just another discipline,” as Nature recently editorialized—its time will come again. In the meantime, it might help to remember Richard Feynman’s truth-laden maxim, “Physics is like sex: Sure, it may give some practical results but that’s not why we do it.”

 

Bad Lighbulbs, Cats And Dogs

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still mess on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...
13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...
15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs, you idiots, people change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

 

I'm a Man, that's why!!

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it... though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator... (applies to engineers mainly).
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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.. The true answer is always either cars, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay. I don't need to see it.. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without, it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.