Q: What's the difference between a grocery bag and Michael Jackson? A: Well, one's made of white plastic and can harm little children. the other holds groceries.
A friend of mine is an officer in the U.S. Navy. A few weeks ago, he was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies. At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English. He then asked. "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you have to speak French?" Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied. "Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German." The group became silent.
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married!"
One of Iraq's ministers calls all 12 Saddam's duplicates and makes an announcement: "I have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that Saddam survived the assassination bombing!!" The 12 duplicates cheer loudly and happily. Then, they look at each other, frown, scratch their heads and ask "what's the bad news?" "He appears to have lost one eye, his nose and upper lip, his left arm and his right leg..."
4/9/03 Mohsen Khalil, Iraqi Ambassador to the Arab League:: "Iraq will not be defeated. Iraq has now already achieved victory - apart from some technicalities."
President Bush was asked, "since the 1991 war with Iraq was called the Gulf War, are we going to call this war Gulf War 2? "No", responded the President, "we're going to call it the Shell War, or the Texaco War. We're going to let the other oil companies get a chance at sponsership!"