The high cost of gas... I traded cars with my husband today so I could get the windows tinted. On the way to work I noticed the car was low on gas but I only had $5.00. I stopped at a 7-11 gas station and asked the clerk for $5 worth of gas................ he farted and gave me a receipt!
Inflatable Doll Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?" Customer says, "Female" Counter guy asks, "Black or white?" Customer says, "White" Counter guy asks, "Regular or Radical Muslim?" Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?" Counter guy says, "The Radical Muslim one blows itself up!"
Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door: Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.) 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are sometimes better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
Romantic Prospects It was a sunny Friday afternoon. Myrna and Ethel were sitting on the front porch chatting, just watching the day go by. They loved to watch the people passing by on their way home from a busy day at work. Myrna reached over and took Ethel by the hand and said, "Hey look, Ethel! Isn't that your husband coming down the street? And look...he's carrying a great big bouquet of roses. Isn't that nice?" Ethel bows her head and puts her hand on her brow. Shaking her head, she says, "Aw crap! Now I'm going to have to spend ALL WEEKEND flat on my back with my legs stuck up in the air!" Myrna says to Ethel with a puzzled look on her face, "What's the matter, Ethel? Ain'tcha got a vase?"
MABEL & MAUDE Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the world is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, doesn't matter... as long as it tastes good and can fit on a Camel!"
I'm looking for a place to stay for the weekend because my wife kicked me out. For some reason she's mad at me. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, fishing, golfing, watching TV. You know, important things. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk." After that she just lost it and kicked me out! Can you believe that?
Some of these are soooooo true! Immutable Laws When one wishes to unlock a door but has has only one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law) A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale Law of Destiny) When one's hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban) Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance So Sorry Law) When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten to do something. (Cheney's Second Corollary) When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law) If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem. (Law of Gravitas) Most problems are not created or solved; they only change appearances. (Einstein's Law of Persistence) You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of Dingaling) Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth) If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of Wasteland) The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed) The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell Scoop) Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the phone to ring. (Law of Yes Now) Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of Ding Dong) Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo. (The Don King Principle) After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Fatal Irreversibility) Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of Delay)
Marines and Arabs Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to! get up and get a coke." "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spit in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spit in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?" "This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?" THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN!!
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. 2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. 3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up. 4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. 5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." 6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale." 7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven different last names in the church directory. 8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. 9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub. 10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue. 11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a'56 Chevy. 12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... instead of a bell; you are called to service by a duck call. 13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. 14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink." 15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too. 16. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya heah."
An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand. I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man saw this and said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ "Man Of The House" The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE.' He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."