Retirement In Florida A little old lady was sitting on a park bench, near her home. A man walked over and sat down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago." "So, where were you all these years?" "In prison," he says. "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." "Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."
A very attractive blond woman dropped her car off at an auto repair shop, complaining to the service manager about a clunking noise whenever she went around corners. The manager sent the auto mechanic a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. The mechanic took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk. Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with a note that read: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
Three Blondes Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the GrandCanyon and are at the Pearly Gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and is thankful..." "Wrong!, You must go to HELL" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head in disgust on the Pearly Gates, tells her she's wrong and to go to HELL, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
"Supposedly" Actual Newspaper Ads: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old. Hateful little bitch. Bites. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog. FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD: 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG: Looks like a rat ... Been out a while. Better be a reward for this nasty little thing. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED: Also 1 gay bull for sale. NORDIC TRACK $300: Hardly used, call Chubby. GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents lb. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE: Call Stephanie. (AND THE BEST ONE) FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything!!!
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
The best places to find dates when over 50 1. Bingo night at the senior's club 2. Any self serve gas pump 3. Wheelchair race day at the senior center 4. Picnic on the grounds of your nearby nursing home 5. Entrance to the local cemetery 6. Limo drive for local funeral home 7. The "Depends" aisle at your grocery store 8. The local feed store - for men 9. The local beauty parlor - for women 10. The Laxative aisle of your local drug store
Playing Pool Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheets after a brief conversation. "Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked. "Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly. "Oh crap, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he was?" "Relax -- he's down at the pub playing a few games of pool with you." :eek:
Puns for All! A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure"? she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead"? "The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150.